The Cupcake Club

My knee is jacked up, but I have a Puki!

2012-01-27T23:53:00.001-05:00

So, I don't frequently talk about my weak ankles, as far as I can recall. It's just one of those things. I fall. I fall without warning. When this happens, I hope I can catch myself and do not injure myself.

I fell yesterday morning. I was on my way to work, just got off the bus, and was about three steps into the crosswalk. And then I was on the crosswalk, flat, with my hands scraped up and my left knee screaming, and a sense of rage.

Yesterday was my 6th scheduled day in a row, most shifts being just about from Open to Close (10am-9pm or thereabouts, no breaks). I was both emotionally and physically fatigued. I felt a downward swing of anxiety and depression from Monday night on, and physically I'm just DONE.

I obviously made it across the street, and I was crossing at the appropriate place, with right of way, so there was less risk of actually being hit by a car. But, my first reaction was RAGE. I was furious that my (right) ankle had the nerve to fall out from under me while I was in the street, right before my shift for work. I keep my ankle brace in my backpack, which I take to work, so I wrapped it and went on.

when I came home and assessed my injuries, I have mild road rash on my hands, severe bruising on my left knee (soft tissue and bone), and minor bruising on my right knee. The knee that took the brunt of it, is my left, and the one that I fell on when I fell down the stairs last year. My ankles need to quit this crap. It happens most when I'm fatigued (emotionally as well as physically) and lack the fine muscle control.

And on that note, I change the subject!

I have my first Pukipuki, thanks to a trade with a friend. My Skyrim character Reji Dragonborn now has a physical form. :B He's not an exact screen-to-doll copy, or even close, since he's not a Pukisha. Reji is a Cupid2 event head, I think.

I play a Khajit whom I named Reji Dragonborn. Cause I'm a nerd, and it cracks me up when people at the beginning are all "Woah! You're the Dragonborn!" and I insert the dialog "Well, yeah I mean, it is my last name. Meow meow." Because He's a cat. And so he ends all sentences with "Meow meow".

Anyway you're not here to read about me being a Skyrim nerd. You're here for Reji! I did his faceup, except for his little pink tongue, which Osaka was kind enough to paint and gloss for me. It's not a fancy job, but it makes me happy.

This was the only shot I could get where his face was at all in focus. Hopefully better pics will be forthcoming.

I'm planning to give him a fuzzy mohawk, and make him the Dark Brotherhood outfit, and probably some mage robes. I also want to get him the little puki sword hands, and paint up that sword like his daedric sword. :B

I don't have screenshots for you, cause I'm playing on xbox360. So.. just picture a kind of muscular Khajit in greys and browns, with a derpy expression.

Information Meme

2012-01-21T21:03:00.000-05:00

The problem with internet: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

Then post this in your LJ/blog/etc and find out what people don't know about you.

And for what it's worth I do plan to continue the doll meme, but it might take another few days to get back on that.

Flying home for Mom's wedding. :]

2012-01-12T01:01:00.001-05:00

In twelve hours or less I will be on the ground in Dallas. Mom's wedding is Saturday morning. I have a new shirt, sweater and tie, and I hope I don't look like a hobo in my sneakers, but I have no dress shoes. They are at least mostly black so they don't stand out too much against my black pants (I hope).

I am not taking any dolls, but I am taking my laptop with plenty of DVDs and media to watch. I will also have my camera, phone, DS, and MP3 player to keep my occupied. I'm staying with my youngest sister Moose, who does not have internet at her place so I will not be online at all unless I visit Faythe, or Jenni, or Bonnie.

I'm excited and happy for Mom, a bit anxious about flying, and feeling neutral about the rest of it. I will be arriving in DFW about 11:30am, and leaving again on the 17th, in the wee hours.

I will have my phone so if you need to get ahold of me, that shouldn't be a problem. It will be off/muted/etc for the wedding and any other private family stuff, but aside from that I'm free.

I hope everyone has an awesome week. :]

30 Day BJD Meme: Day 7

2012-01-07T20:28:00.001-05:00

Day 7: Smallest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)

The smallest size I own is Yo-SD or the 26cm range. The smallest I've held, is a Pukipuki. And the size I like best in the smaller range, is the Yo-SD/26cm range. They're just so darned versatile, portable, and posable compared to some of the larger dolls.

I do also have three dolls that are technically in the tiny range according to Den of Angels, but I consider them small minis. I've got a Narsha girl, and two Custom House Little Junior boys.

7) Smallest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
8) What is your favorite size?
9) What is your least favorite size?
10) Post a picture of a doll and an animal!
11) How long have you collected dolls? Did you collect dolls before BJDs?*
12) What do your friends think of your dolls/dolls in general?
13) Dollie shoes! Show us how many you have!
14) Have you ever had a floating head? What about a headless body? (What do you think you would do if you had either?)
15) What does your family think of your dolls?
16) Can any of your crew stand on their heads? (Show us~)
17) What is your favorite item of dollie clothing?
18) Do you have a favorite company?
19) A least favorite company?
20) What is your dream doll?
21) One doll you love, but will never (probably) buy?
22) What’s your favorite doll scale prop?
23) Is there a part of the BJD hobby that you dislike?
24) What about your favorite part of the hobby?
25) Have you ever modded a doll? (Do you think that you would?)
26) Done your own faceups? (Again, do you think you’d do that?)
27) Do you have a favorite out of your own dolls? (Don’t worry, we won’t tell the others ;D)
28) Post a crazy/silly pose!
29) Post a picture of your dolls exploring the outside world!
30) Have you ever been to a doll meetup? Did you enjoy it/do you plan to go to one in the future?

30 Day BJD Meme: Day 6

2012-01-07T00:09:00.000-05:00

Day 6: Biggest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)

I have two SD heads, but the largest complete doll I have is Apollo, my Soom Shale. He is taller than my Volks MSD Ichigo by a centimeter or two.

The largest I've held is EID. Osaka has a Tedros, and Pherret has adopted her Kamau, and I've gotten to play with both of them in depth.

The biggest I LIKE to play with, so far is Mini sized.

6) Biggest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
7) Smallest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
8) What is your favorite size?
9) What is your least favorite size?
10) Post a picture of a doll and an animal!
11) How long have you collected dolls? Did you collect dolls before BJDs?*
12) What do your friends think of your dolls/dolls in general?
13) Dollie shoes! Show us how many you have!
14) Have you ever had a floating head? What about a headless body? (What do you think you would do if you had either?)
15) What does your family think of your dolls?
16) Can any of your crew stand on their heads? (Show us~)
17) What is your favorite item of dollie clothing?
18) Do you have a favorite company?
19) A least favorite company?
20) What is your dream doll?
21) One doll you love, but will never (probably) buy?
22) What’s your favorite doll scale prop?
23) Is there a part of the BJD hobby that you dislike?
24) What about your favorite part of the hobby?
25) Have you ever modded a doll? (Do you think that you would?)
26) Done your own faceups? (Again, do you think you’d do that?)
27) Do you have a favorite out of your own dolls? (Don’t worry, we won’t tell the others ;D)
28) Post a crazy/silly pose!
29) Post a picture of your dolls exploring the outside world!
30) Have you ever been to a doll meetup? Did you enjoy it/do you plan to go to one in the future?

30 Day BJD Meme: Day 5

2012-01-05T22:11:00.000-05:00

Day Five: What/who was the very first BJD you saw?

The first BJD I ever saw, was a Volks Sweet Dream Mimi. I followed a link from a photo in a signature on a forum. The signature was a cropped photo showing just the sleeping face, and linked to a much larger photo on Deviant Art, where the owner listed her company and sculpt, and described her as a Super Dollfie.

That was the first I saw in photos. The first I saw in person, was my own, Ro, my Dream of Doll (Dream of Child) Tender Yen. I was completely smitten with both him and Luts/CP Delf Chiwoo, but the Tender Yen was cheaper so that was the one I bought since he was a gift from Nick, my now ex-husband.

5) What/who was the very first BJD you saw?
6) Biggest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
7) Smallest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
8) What is your favorite size?
9) What is your least favorite size?
10) Post a picture of a doll and an animal!
11) How long have you collected dolls? Did you collect dolls before BJDs?*
12) What do your friends think of your dolls/dolls in general?
13) Dollie shoes! Show us how many you have!
14) Have you ever had a floating head? What about a headless body? (What do you think you would do if you had either?)
15) What does your family think of your dolls?
16) Can any of your crew stand on their heads? (Show us~)
17) What is your favorite item of dollie clothing?
18) Do you have a favorite company?
19) A least favorite company?
20) What is your dream doll?
21) One doll you love, but will never (probably) buy?
22) What’s your favorite doll scale prop?
23) Is there a part of the BJD hobby that you dislike?
24) What about your favorite part of the hobby?
25) Have you ever modded a doll? (Do you think that you would?)
26) Done your own faceups? (Again, do you think you’d do that?)
27) Do you have a favorite out of your own dolls? (Don’t worry, we won’t tell the others ;D)
28) Post a crazy/silly pose!
29) Post a picture of your dolls exploring the outside world!
30) Have you ever been to a doll meetup? Did you enjoy it/do you plan to go to one in the future?

30 Day BJD Meme: Day 4

2012-01-05T00:44:00.001-05:00

Day 4: What/who was the first BJD you ever owned? Do you still own them? (Who is your planned first?)

The first doll I ever owned was Ro, my Dream of Doll (Dream of Child) Tender Yen. I sold off his original body with the intent of giving him a more mature look but it went badly. I hate the body I replaced it with, the character I slowly developed was destroyed by outside influence, and I'm too heartbroken to play with him. And I can't sell him. Despite all the hurt and sad memory associated with him, there is still so much love and magic about him.

He was the first, he was the magic special one that could be anything, anyone, wear anything. He still is. He just needs some TLC, a new faceup, a new body (that I know I love), and alot of playtime.

I've debated selling him but no matter how long he sits on the shelf collecting dust, or in a box stored away, I just can't let him go. He was my first true masculine representation of myself.

4) What/who was the first BJD you ever owned? Do you still own them? (Who is your planned first?)
5) What/who was the very first BJD you saw?
6) Biggest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
7) Smallest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
8) What is your favorite size?
9) What is your least favorite size?
10) Post a picture of a doll and an animal!
11) How long have you collected dolls? Did you collect dolls before BJDs?*
12) What do your friends think of your dolls/dolls in general?
13) Dollie shoes! Show us how many you have!
14) Have you ever had a floating head? What about a headless body? (What do you think you would do if you had either?)
15) What does your family think of your dolls?
16) Can any of your crew stand on their heads? (Show us~)
17) What is your favorite item of dollie clothing?
18) Do you have a favorite company?
19) A least favorite company?
20) What is your dream doll?
21) One doll you love, but will never (probably) buy?
22) What’s your favorite doll scale prop?
23) Is there a part of the BJD hobby that you dislike?
24) What about your favorite part of the hobby?
25) Have you ever modded a doll? (Do you think that you would?)
26) Done your own faceups? (Again, do you think you’d do that?)
27) Do you have a favorite out of your own dolls? (Don’t worry, we won’t tell the others ;D)
28) Post a crazy/silly pose!
29) Post a picture of your dolls exploring the outside world!
30) Have you ever been to a doll meetup? Did you enjoy it/do you plan to go to one in the future?

30 Day BJD Meme: Day 3

2012-01-04T01:11:00.000-05:00

Day 3: Post a picture of all your dolls!

I worked most of the day and then Skyrimmed after work, so I didn't get a group photo, but I do have this handy collage of all my current dolls. I may squeeze in a proper group photo later in the list if I can get that done.

The only doll not shown, is my Impldoll Cyril. I may throw him in the group shot if I can take one later in the week.

3) Post a picture of all your dolls!
4) What/who was the first BJD you ever owned? Do you still own them? (Who is your planned first?)
5) What/who was the very first BJD you saw?
6) Biggest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
7) Smallest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
8) What is your favorite size?
9) What is your least favorite size?
10) Post a picture of a doll and an animal!
11) How long have you collected dolls? Did you collect dolls before BJDs?*
12) What do your friends think of your dolls/dolls in general?
13) Dollie shoes! Show us how many you have!
14) Have you ever had a floating head? What about a headless body? (What do you think you would do if you had either?)
15) What does your family think of your dolls?
16) Can any of your crew stand on their heads? (Show us~)
17) What is your favorite item of dollie clothing?
18) Do you have a favorite company?
19) A least favorite company?
20) What is your dream doll?
21) One doll you love, but will never (probably) buy?
22) What’s your favorite doll scale prop?
23) Is there a part of the BJD hobby that you dislike?
24) What about your favorite part of the hobby?
25) Have you ever modded a doll? (Do you think that you would?)
26) Done your own faceups? (Again, do you think you’d do that?)
27) Do you have a favorite out of your own dolls? (Don’t worry, we won’t tell the others ;D)
28) Post a crazy/silly pose!
29) Post a picture of your dolls exploring the outside world!
30) Have you ever been to a doll meetup? Did you enjoy it/do you plan to go to one in the future?

30 Day BJD Meme: Day 2

2012-01-03T02:13:00.000-05:00

Day 2: Do you own any? If so how many and if not, do you have any plans to at the moment?

I currently own 18, or so. And I say "or so" because included in that is one tiny I plan to sell, and two floating heads. If I count Apollo's other head it's 19. If I don't count heads at all, it's 16. And, in order of arrival, this is the list I have as currently owned on Den of Angels:

Ro (DoC Tender Yen)
Elli [Elijah Samuel] (CustomHouse Mars for Valentine)
Ichigo (Volks MSD Tsubaki)
Christopher Owen (Volks Yo-SD Tinatsu *boy*)
Émile (CustomHouse Uranus Hybrid [Uriel head on Mars body])
??? (Souldoll Lune)
Robbie (Volks School C)
Jessie (Narsha)
Doran (Soom Glati)
Starshine (Soom Beyla *Unicorn head*)
Moonbeam (Soom Beyla *Human head*)
Sarabelle (Fairyland Leah)
Simon Oliver (Fairyland Little Bear Bisou)
Toby [Tobias Ezekial] (Iplehouse Byuri)
T.J. [Tyrell James] (Iplehouse Efreet)
Ness (Impldoll Cyril)
Noland (Rosenlied Beige *boy*)
Apollo (Soom Shale)

2) Do you own any? If so how many and if not, do you have any plans to at the moment?
3) Post a picture of all your dolls!
4) What/who was the first BJD you ever owned? Do you still own them? (Who is your planned first?)
5) What/who was the very first BJD you saw?
6) Biggest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
7) Smallest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
8) What is your favorite size?
9) What is your least favorite size?
10) Post a picture of a doll and an animal!
11) How long have you collected dolls? Did you collect dolls before BJDs?*
12) What do your friends think of your dolls/dolls in general?
13) Dollie shoes! Show us how many you have!
14) Have you ever had a floating head? What about a headless body? (What do you think you would do if you had either?)
15) What does your family think of your dolls?
16) Can any of your crew stand on their heads? (Show us~)
17) What is your favorite item of dollie clothing?
18) Do you have a favorite company?
19) A least favorite company?
20) What is your dream doll?
21) One doll you love, but will never (probably) buy?
22) What’s your favorite doll scale prop?
23) Is there a part of the BJD hobby that you dislike?
24) What about your favorite part of the hobby?
25) Have you ever modded a doll? (Do you think that you would?)
26) Done your own faceups? (Again, do you think you’d do that?)
27) Do you have a favorite out of your own dolls? (Don’t worry, we won’t tell the others ;D)
28) Post a crazy/silly pose!
29) Post a picture of your dolls exploring the outside world!
30) Have you ever been to a doll meetup? Did you enjoy it/do you plan to go to one in the future?

30 Day BJD Meme: Day 1

2012-01-01T15:00:00.001-05:00

This has been floating around my friendslist, and I finally decided to do it. I did make up a question for day 11, because there wasn't one. If you choose to do the meme you can use it or make day 11 a free day or whatever you like.

Day 1: Why do you like BJDs?

I like BJDs because they are so darned customizable. My first in fact, didn't have a set pair of eyes or wig until I started hanging around other doll people. He was the epitome of the Chameleon doll. There wasn't a well developed character, he was just for playing, as simple as that.

I love that a change of clothes, a change of wigs, a subtle change to faceup, can completely change the feel of a doll. I can't say that's what originally attracted me per se, but it helped.

1) Why do you like BJDs?
2) Do you own any? If so how many and if not, do you have any plans to at the moment?
3) Post a picture of all your dolls!
4) What/who was the first BJD you ever owned? Do you still own them? (Who is your planned first?)
5) What/who was the very first BJD you saw?
6) Biggest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
7) Smallest size you own? (Have held/seen/like)
8) What is your favorite size?
9) What is your least favorite size?
10) Post a picture of a doll and an animal!
11) How long have you collected dolls? Did you collect dolls before BJDs?*
12) What do your friends think of your dolls/dolls in general?
13) Dollie shoes! Show us how many you have!
14) Have you ever had a floating head? What about a headless body? (What do you think you would do if you had either?)
15) What does your family think of your dolls?
16) Can any of your crew stand on their heads? (Show us~)
17) What is your favorite item of dollie clothing?
18) Do you have a favorite company?
19) A least favorite company?
20) What is your dream doll?
21) One doll you love, but will never (probably) buy?
22) What’s your favorite doll scale prop?
23) Is there a part of the BJD hobby that you dislike?
24) What about your favorite part of the hobby?
25) Have you ever modded a doll? (Do you think that you would?)
26) Done your own faceups? (Again, do you think you’d do that?)
27) Do you have a favorite out of your own dolls? (Don’t worry, we won’t tell the others ;D)
28) Post a crazy/silly pose!
29) Post a picture of your dolls exploring the outside world!
30) Have you ever been to a doll meetup? Did you enjoy it/do you plan to go to one in the future?

Christmas! Texas! Stuff! Oh and new glasses.

2011-12-31T20:41:00.000-05:00

So... in major steps taken today, I've ordered my first binder. I've ordered a plain white sleeveless t-shirt style from Underworks. I don't know if it's something I can actually use, but I've changed shape so much (some of it is actual mass lost) that the bras I have don't fit me at all, and honestly I'm sick of wearing them anyway.

I am greatly hoping it will arrive well before I leave for Texas again. Which, by the way, I am doing to go to Mom's wedding. She's getting re-married January 14th, to a peach of a man. He's a nice guy, he treats her well, and his kids are totally chill. They're grown, and people I have no issues being related to, by marriage or otherwise. Most importantly, he makes Mom happy.

I'll be flying out of Virginia January 12th, and arriving back January 17th, and will be staying with my baby sister Moose.

In other news I got new glasses yesterday. Osaka kinda bullied me into it but she did pay for them at least initially, so I can't complain too much. As it turns out waiting 5 years between eye exams is kind of a bad idea. I was having migraines on about a daily basis, regular eye strain and/or fatigue, and it had been going on between three to six months. So really, I was pretty overdue. But.. I still had to be bullied into it.

It was that way that Mom's have to kind of tweak your ear and remind you that it sucks way more not to do the necessary thing, than the minor annoyance of doing whatever that thing is. Not like calling me names or pushing me down the stairs. Though she could have done that. But she didn't.

I also got my hair cut, not that it will look any different to ya'll on the internet. The guy who cuts my hair was remarking that it looks great all cleaned up but it's a mess when I let it grow out. It apparently curls in the back in all different kind of directions when it gets longer than an inch.

And though I haven't mentioned it at all, I did have a great Christmas. This is the tree Christmas Eve, after Santa came:

I got some nice new gloves, a nice winter hat, legos from Ringo, a Batman figure, and a few other things I can't recall right now, but I was very happy with my gifts. And Pherret and Osaka and Ringo all seemed to be pleased with theirs. Ringo made out like a bandit. It was a very My Little Pony Christmas for him.

And today, before work I did a little shopping and got some new pajamas on clearance, a couple of new t-shirts, and a new light jacket. I'm slowly beginning to fill out my wardrobe.

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-12T23:01:00.001-05:00

I've been meaning to post since I got back from Texas, but it just didn't happen, obviously.

I've been working doubleshifts pretty much back to back to back, since I got back, and we got a new computer/register system in, that everyone is having to learn. New policies for everything too, just in time to confuse us all (employees and customers alike) for the Holidays.

Partially related, I am someone who tends towards Holiday depression, and have, as long as I can remember. Tis the season for hurt feelings, shame, guilt, and feelings of worthlessness, for me at least. There doesn't even have to be anything big or new or stressful going on, for the seasonal depression to kick in, or intensify, depending on my base level. I'm doing okay at the moment, and I do still have my anxiety medicine to take as needed.

It does tend to be exacerbated by Pop Holiday music. I prefer classic Hymns for Christmas. I also get a bit ticked every time I hear that damn country song about buying shoes for the dying Mom for Christmas. I don't know exactly what kind of message they want it to send, but the message it sends to me, is that there is no reason to want to live, that life sucks and then you die, so get your crap together. So, when I hear this song at least once an hour because we are playing Pop!Holiday mix music (which includes some instrumental pieces and country), it makes me sad and angry.

I want to hear beautiful Chorus music, classic hymns, classical instrumental pieces, not people crooning about Santa, and Shopping, etc etc. On the other hand, I'm finding myself cross at some of the people posting on Facebook things like "It's MERRY CHRISTMAS, not HAPPY HOLIDAYS, REPOST if you're a PROUD CHRISTIAN!!!". I'm happy for you, and pleased that you are comfortable with your religion, and that you know why you're buying Winter Holiday gifts for friends and family. But what about those who celebrate OTHER religious holidays? What about Yule? What about Hanukkah? Kwanzaa? I may not celebrate them, but the are still valid religious or cultural winter holidays that take place around the same time as Christmas. I RESPECT that, and I wish my friends did too. It really gets under my skin actually.

I know probably 85% of my friends are Christian, and that's totally fine. I don't have any problems with Christians or Christianity. However, I also have friends who are Buddist, Pagan, Jewish, and probably some other religions I'm not aware of. And NONE of them have done that heavy handed "THIS IS ABOUT MY RELIGION NOT YOURS" crap.

Christmas in America SHOULD be about the Christian aspect if you are Christian. But if you aren't Christian, you're probably "celebrating" it out of cultural/social responsibility/expectation. And that's okay. You do what you have to do. But.. Please don't tell me how to celebrate my Winter Holidays.

And, so that this isn't just a long long rant, here. This is my family, together on Thanksgiving. I love them. The only ones not in the photo are one brother-in-law, and the nieces and nephews.

And this? This is my beard. It's beginning to fill out some.

Some of ya'll will recognize the majority of my family from the above photo. The rather tall older man in the back is my new Step-Father, as of January 14th 2012. I will (hopefully) be going home for the wedding. My Mom and he are a great match and I'm very happy for them both.

Which dolls do I take?

2011-11-18T17:50:00.000-05:00

I've only got so much room to take dollies home with me. So I'm asking ya'll who I should take with me. I definitely want to take Noland with me, but he's the only sure thing. I have room for either 2 minies, or 4 tinies, or 1 mini and 2 tinies. Apollo and Ichigo are minies, and the rest are tinies. Photo-collage for those who may not remember who is who.

Which doll(s) should I take home with me? I'm trying to narrow it down from the ten I have in mind, Ichigo, Apollo, Doran, Sarabelle, Moonbeam, Starshine, Simon Oliver, Christopher Owen, Toby, and Noland.

And Noland, who is DEFINITELY going.

Pics, cause I got my hair cut.

2011-11-12T01:20:00.000-05:00

So, I don't know if I mentioned it here, but I've decided to grow a beard. Or well, I'm trying at least. I do have some respectable scruff, but it's still pretty thin. I have to let it get pretty long to make it look fuller. I trimmed it up the other day in anticipation of getting my hair cut before I go home to visit my family.

I figure there will be alot of Holiday photos and I don't want to look like a Hobo, so I got my haircut, and I've groomed up my facial hair. I like it longer than it is right now, but it takes a while to grow out, and I wanted it to look right with the length of my hair, which I did get cut today.

I know the last two photos are similar but I liked them both too much to choose between them.

Nothing dramatic, I just got it trimmed up. I'm keeping it longer on top than I have been. Finding my look is difficult since I'm continuing to have subtle changes on a consistent basis. I think I definitely want contacts. My glasses look a little silly on my face anymore, since my face is a completely different shape than it was when I picked those frames out. And, my eyes seem to be alot more noticeable now, than they were pre-transition, and I'd really like to show them off.

Most of the photos from Thanksgiving will probably show me in my glasses, but I plan to take them off for any "official" family photos. The glasses are so old now, that most of the anti-glare coating is worn off. I think I will plan to get contacts probably in January.

Going home for Thanksgiving (2011)

2011-11-09T00:55:00.003-05:00

So, I will definitely be heading home (to Texas) for Thanksgiving. I just managed to get my plane ticket on the 5th. I meant to buy it back in August but couldn't.

I'm planning to take some dolls with me, maybe swing a meetup if at all possible. There's no shortage of doll folk in DFW but I don't know if there are any meetups scheduled around Thanksgiving. I should poke in at DOA and find out. If there aren't it'll just be me, Mom, Faythe, and maybe Mom's boyfriend's kids who also collect BJDs, if they don't have other plans.

I'm also taking my laptop but I don't know whether I'll really be online at all. I'm hoping to get one on one time with each of my siblings, and also planning to bring Batman Arkham City, for Faythe to ogle and play.

There's not really much left for me to do, but to wait, try to cement basic plans, and figure out exactly how much clothing I need or want to take, while leaving room for prescriptions and toiletries. I figure a pair of shorts or two, jeans, a hoody because even if it's Texas it is still late November, and several t-shirts should get me through the week.

There are alot of people I'd like to see in theory, but mostly I'm coming home to see Family. Anything else is bonus. I haven't seen my family (not including Faythe) since I left Texas to come back to Virginia Beach, and I miss them. And none of them have seen me since I started my medical transition. We've talked on the phone and such, but that's not quite the same.

I know I look different, and sound different, and I'm hoping that getting to spend time one on one with my siblings and Mom, will show them I'm still me, just finally happy. I'm finding that as I get to a healthier place I'm really excited about actually getting to know my sisters for the people they really are, rather than the people I've assumed they've become based on old prejudices and hurt feelings.

I will admit, that same skittish part of me, that was prone to hurt feelings and misunderstandings as a child, is screaming in the back of my head that I'm wrong, and my family can't possibly love me for who I am. Luckily I seem to be in a much saner place than I was as a child, and I recognize that feeling as baseless fear. I think they proved that irrational fear-based part of me wrong when I called them and came out.

I do understand that some of them may not agree with my decision to transition, based upon their religious beliefs, which I do respect. I don't think that makes them love me any less though. It just makes it harder to accept what they see as a choice on my part.

That fear-based part of me, doesn't want to post the entirety of this entry to the public, family-read blog, but I feel that I owe that honesty to my family. Because I feel that staying closeted, I lied to them for too many years. This isn't meant to make anyone uncomfortable. It's only meant to be honest.

Innes The Water Dragon

2011-11-05T00:46:00.001-04:00

Awhile back I made a really brief reference to a doll I was getting. When the doll arrived I didn't know what to do with it. It was nothing like the pictures had led me to believe.

This evening as I was coming down from an anxiety attack, I was struck by how this character was actually supposed to look. I sketched him out, and began to flesh him out more, as a character.

I've never touched much on the magical universe that Doran, Starshine, and Moonbeam inhabit, or how it relates to the universe(s) my other does inhabit.

The world I picture for what I call my magic babies, is very small. Like British Isles small. I've never been there, but I've had dreams and fantasies, based on my daydreams, and pinches of appropriate mythology.

I don't have a name for this alternate universe because it doesn't really feel like an alternate universe to me. It's more like a pocket of magic in a somehow untouched and undiscovered part of our world. Whether it's the natural and old magic of the area, or the village of witches right at the cusp, or the old magical beings, the elementals, the other mythical and mystical beings.

Moonbeam is a young witch living in a village built at the edge of an old magical body of water. It's a lake, self-contained, and there are parts of the village built right out onto the water, on the ancient stone that juts out into the lake.

Magic is a tool that you learn young, if you have the talent for it, and some are more inclined than others. Moonbeam has some natural talent, but she is very young, and not yet bonded to an elemental or guardian spirit, who are supposed to guide and teach their young magical companions. Commonly young witches are paired with young elementals or spirits who have a good natural rapport.

This world is a blend of Celtic/Gaelic, Irish, Scottish, and Welsh myths and cultures, combined through my own bias. Moonbeam resides in what would be closest to my ideal Ireland. Doran resides in my version of Scotland. Starshine passes between the two, favoring Moonbeam's land.

In the lake, that the Village is built on, reside many water elementals, all friendly, some very old, some very young. One of them, Innes, was to be paired with Moonbeam, when the both reached the age of the joining. Innes, is the Water Dragon, my concept sketch seen above.

I see him as a furred dragon with long flowing hair, and a tail made of the same long flowing hair. I'm also toying with the idea of modding him with fins on his arms and legs, but I will see what I see when the doll I intend for the character arrives.

Because Starshine and Moonbeam are both Beyla heads, and Innes is strongly entwined in their story, it was important that his aesthetic meld smoothly with theirs. So, I've tentatively settled on a Littlefee Elf Chiwoo (girl version). I plan to modify the body to gender neutral, because I like the Girl Elf Chiwoo face better than the Boy Elf Chiwoo face, and it's just easier than modding the boy body neutral.

The only reason I've gone into quite so much detail is because in my original entry I didn't, and I like being able to go back and see what details I've developed in the past.

Videogame Etiquette

2011-10-30T19:14:00.001-04:00

So, I'm one of those gamers that generally prefers to play games on my own. I don't mind games with co-op modes, but over-all, I prefer single player games. I also prefer to figure puzzles and such out on my own. I'm a reasonably intelligent guy, and most of the time, if I come at things from enough angles I can figure it out on my own.

One thing I HATE, is when someone natters on about what I'm doing. Whether it's "Hey, what's that over there?" or "Have you tried X Y Z?" if I'm in a bit of a challenge, or just general commentary. I don't like it. It makes what may already be a challenging bit, mindnumblingly difficult.

So, when I was playing Batman Arkham City, and literally stumbled into the Penguin's lair, with Tiny his pet shark, I got a little frustrated. It's one of those things that I can do, if I have peace and quiet and plenty of chances to try it from different angles.

However, what I had instead was Pherret (and Ringo to a much lesser degree) doing the above. "What's that? Try this! Do that over there! What happens if-"

So when I died for the fifth time in a row without snapping off, which took all my self control, and RAGE!QUIT, I was a little upset when Pherret IMMEDIATELY turned to me and asked "Do you mind if I play it for a bit?"

"A little bit actually, cause I'm pretty worked up over it right now" is what I actually said. What I wanted to do was scream "REALLY?! Cause I could have played this and gotten through this section much easier if you would kindly shut the hell up!"

I don't think I'm completely off-base thinking it's rude to ask to play a game someone just rage!quit from. It's nothing to do with ownership of the game, or what else is on TV. It's just that I wouldn't necessarily have been driven to rage!quit if he could have kept his damn mouth shut in the first place.

It is something I have struggled with myself, the keeping quiet when someone else is playing a game. But I believe that the polite thing to do is keep it to myself unless someone else actually asks for my thoughts or opinions on the game.

I had a conversation along these lines with Ringo earlier today and he seems to get it. I wish I could have this conversation with Pherret, but I'm certain he would take it personally.

Dollies! Osaka's Lagoon arrived this morning. :)

2011-10-19T21:59:00.000-04:00

So, about 20 minutes before I was about to head out to the bus stop this morning, there was a knock on the door. This was maybe, MAYBE five minutes after Christy went "Oh snot, Lagoon is out for delivery, I hope they deliver it before the parent teacher conference".

Osaka and I were delighted by the polkadot packing tape. Please excuse the blurriness of my photos, my hands were shaking in excitement.

The outfit in the little decorative box. Every detail was just so cute. :]

A better shot of the skirt and Osaka smiling down at the box.

I don't know if Batchix made the cushion/sleeping bag or not, but it's totally cute. Oh and that's Sadie with the laser eyes. She's a pug/boston terrier mix.

When Osaka pulled Lagoon (as of yet un-named) free, she noticed that the left eye had shaken loose in transit which is funny, because there's this ongoing theme of left eye injuries in Osaka's life. Lagoon seems rather less amused about this.

A better shot of her, free of the bubblewrap, and torso joint in place.

And finally, one of her, eyes fixed, with Osaka's Mod MNF Ruth, Xiahou Dun.

First Order from Kondoll

2011-10-15T21:11:00.001-04:00

So I ordered this outfit August 12th from Kondoll. It said in stock, so I was under the impression the items were pre-made. I received an e-mail on August 22nd, asking what specific doll type the outfit was for, because apparently Kondoll custom tailors for each doll type. Which is fine, because the site did say it to allow between 20 and 30 days for shipping.

Then I didn't hear anything for a bit, but didn't notice because I was distracted with looking for work and such. So, one day I happened to check my bulk mail for something unrelated and saw a message from Kondoll dated September 23rd, with a shipping number, also apologizing for the long wait. I don't know why it got filtered to spam, but I moved it to inbox and sat on it. I discovered this only a day or two after it actually got sent.

Tracking never did updated. I kept trying but I got nothing but errors on the chinese tracking site, and the USA didn't confirm that it ever entered the country. Finally it turned up Thursday evening October 13th. That is, two full months after I placed the order initially.

Upon opening the package I discovered it to be made of exquisite quality. I paid $41 US dollars, airmail shipping included. They could have charged about 65-70 for the outfit alone. Some of there stuff is for that much. Only real problem was that this wasn't the exact item I ordered. It was the nearly identical one, and it was handmade, fits perfectly, and the one I debated ordering instead so I'm really not upset. It's just worth noting, that after waiting two months, while the outfit is made beautifully, and everything I'd hoped for, it's not exactly what I ordered.

That said, Noland is happy. This is his first proper outfit. I do plan to order from Kondoll again, taking into account the length of time I should expect, and springing for EMS next time if it is offered. Cause I don't like knowing I could have had it in hand after shortly after a month.

30 gaming questions answered (some with pictures)

2011-10-01T21:34:00.001-04:00

I yoinked this from my sister Faythe(Nekokoi). Some of our answers are the same or similar.

1: Very first video game.
Dragon Warrior(Quest)

2: Your favorite character.
Link.

3: A game that is underrated.
Fable (3)

4: Your guilty pleasure game.
Pretty much any Pokemon game.

5: Game character you feel you are most like (or wish you were).
I wanna be a pokemon trainer/breeder. :B

6: Most annoying character.
Navi from Ocarina of Time.

7: Favorite game couple.
Link/Sheik

8: Best soundtrack.
Katamari Damacy

9: Saddest game scene.
The scene, in Dragon Quest 4, when your childhood best friend takes your form, to save your life, and is slaughtered by monsters. It moves me to tears every time.

10: Best gameplay.
Zelda: Ocarina of Time

11: Gaming system of choice.
Xbox 360, but I also play my Nintendo DS quite a bit.

12: A game everyone should play.
Guitar Hero

13: A game you’ve played more than five times.
Any Pokemon game.

14: Current (or most recent) gaming wallpaper.

(Pokemon)

15: Post a screenshot from the game you’re playing right now.

(Fable 2)

16: Game with the best cut scenes.
I've always liked the cut scenes in Final Fantasy.

17: Favorite antagonist.
Ganon

18: Favorite protagonist.
Link

19: Picture of a game setting you wish you lived in.

(Pokemon)

20: Favorite genre.
RPG/Adventure.

21: Game with the best story.
Dragon Quest 4

22: A game sequel which disappointed you.
Pokemon White/Black. Too story heavy. I prefer the Red/Blue/Yellow style that played all the way through each game with the last in that style being Pokemon Soul Silver.

23: Game you think had the best graphics or art style.
Oh man, Zelda Twilight Princess KILLED me with the beautiful world and characters. Killed me dead. The story isn't my favorite but the graphics make up for it, for me.

24: Favorite classic game.
Pokemon Yellow. I go back and play it alot.

25: A game you plan on playing.
Zelda: Ocarina of Time for 3DS. I already own it. I just don't have my 3DS yet.

26: Best voice acting.
Not a factor for me.

27: Most epic scene ever.
Final Fantasy X when Sin shows up for the first time. That blew my mind.

28: Favorite game developer.
Enix! They developed Dragon Warrior (Quest)

29: A game you thought you wouldn’t like, but ended up loving.
Fable 3. Everyone talks smack about Fable but I really liked 3, and now I've bought 2 and am enjoying it, so far.

30: Your favorite game of all time.
Dragon Quest 4.

Discussions with Ringo

2011-10-01T18:54:00.001-04:00

I was delighted today, when Osaka relayed a conversation she had with Ringo today. They were having a very pleasant time of running errands, moods in good order and all that.

And she asked Ringo, "What do you know about Rory?"

Ringo replied "Awesome gamer with mad skills who likes cute things"

Osaka clarified "Well what about Robyn becoming Rory?"

And he said "What about it?"

She asked, "Is that just Rory being Rory?"

and he said "Yes!"

"Is it because no matter what, he's still the same on the inside?"

and again he responded "Yes!" and gave her a look like she was a bit crazy. Like it's no big deal.

Which is awesome. We've been open about the change, but not stressing it. It's just something that we are dealing with, the way we don't make a big deal over my asthma, or Osaka's depression, or Pherret's PTSD. It's just one of the things that our family deals with, and there's no reason it has to be a huge stressful deal, because there are other things that ARE worth that kind of attention. Like, Pherret's deathly allergic reactions to shellfish, or Ringo's performance at school, or anything else that is obviously more important.

It's made things easier for everyone to roll with one change at a go.

It's also worth noting that I am getting sir'ed more consistently in public, especially now with the more obvious facial hair, despite the chest. To the point that I got the stink eye from some pre-teen girls when I went to wash my hands in the women's restroom at Cracker Barrel this morning. They were asking loudly "This IS the girls room right?" and staring pointedly at me. I felt really awkward but I was just trying to wash my hands before I ate. @_@ I get a bit nervous going into the mensroom yet. I will be relieved when I have had and healed from my chest surgery, and it will make more sense for everyone to see me in the mensroom.

What spurred the conversation mentioned above, was that Ringo had started to use a male pronoun to refer to me, then stopped and corrected himself. And Osaka told him it was okay to use male pronouns for me, that it was correct. Which was funny because at breakfast he'd been drawing evil mustaches on all the boys on his menu, and informed us "Girls don't grow mustaches.. Well except for Rory but she doesn't count." He's been kind of flip-flopping on pronoun usage for a week or so. I think, because Osaka has been consistently using male pronouns for months, and Pherret is flip-flopping them. He WAS using male pronouns soley when we we're out of the house, but he outted me three times in a week awhile back and I chewed him a new one, so he stopped using them at all.

Shaving, or the lack thereof.

2011-09-22T23:13:00.000-04:00

So, I'm out at my new workplace, which should probably go without saying. I am going by my chosen name, so that I can get used to responding to it, and the only people who know my legal name, are management.

I've also stopped shaving. While I was putting in on online applications I stopped shaving entirely and discovered that my beard filled in alot better than it did when I was shaving it about twice a week. So, I'm letting it grow and see how it fills in. I've got a good amount of fuzz coming in, but it's not a full beard yet, or even really close to it.

I had planned to shave and ignore it until I was post-chest surgery, but I am getting more consistently read as male when I have the 5 o'clock shadow. Babyface means I get Ma'am still, even with the dropped voice and masculine face. And oh boy has my face gone that way. These photos are from last night:

It's amazing to me how much my face continues to change. It was awkward and puffy for months as everything adjusted. I seem to be past all that now, and the acne I was experiencing has mostly cleared up. Especially since I stopped shaving. I've had trouble spots on my right side to the extent that not as much hair comes in on that side. I'm just washing and moisturizing it now, not shaving, not trimming.

Once it all gets to a length I'll begin trimming it, but for now, I'm letting it go a bit. :]

Technically employed.

2011-09-15T22:09:00.001-04:00

So, exciting news. I have a job. A friend of mine let me know when a bunch of her co-workers got canned for various reasons, and I put in my application. Luckily enough I'd done some chit-chat and pleasant small-talk with the store manager, night before at said friend's birthday party. She (the manager) and the other manager think I am exactly what they are looking for.

My orientation (paperwork etc) is tomorrow starting 1pm, and they'll have me stay to begin training. I had to run around and buy some things last minute since they have a set uniform. I went and got some black slacks, a new black belt, and some black polishable work boots. They'll have a work shirt for me in a day or two, and in the meantime I can wear a blue polo (which I already have) to work.

It's a little shop that is essentially a "classy" pawnshop. It looks like a rent-to-own place in terms of the quality of products and the way it's all displayed, and the associates are all friendly. I'm already on great terms with three of the managers since one of them, is the afore-mentioned friend, who is in her manager training right now. The other two, were impressed with my diplomacy, and my ability to say no, firmly and apologetically. Because, this is a shop that buys their stock from customers, to sell. They don't get shipments from other places, everything for sale is stuff they've bought from people. And Katy, the friend of mine, says they want me for the buy shop, because they think I'll be pretty good at knowing what I can and should buy and what a reasonable price is, and how to let people down easy or diffuse angry people as necessary.

The job is on a 30 day probationary term, but it's certainly a start. Katy has been there quite a while, and I know if I have questions she'll be able to help me out as necessary. I'm nervous because it's different from the retail experience I do have, but I'm excited because it means I am, at least for the moment, employed. If this turns out not be something I can do well, at least it's something bringing in a paycheck for the moment.

Apollo has a face!

2011-09-15T02:39:00.001-04:00

So Osaka painted Apollo up for me yesterday, much to my delight. I went to a birthday party though so there were no pics until today. :] I'm very pleased with how he turned out. However, I find that white dolls are still a pain and a half to photograph without them going all glowy and washed out in direct sunlight. :[

Anyhow these the my favorites from today. :D

The second to last one is my desktop wallpaper now. Funnily enough my last three wallpapers have been my Soom dolls. The first was Doran, and the one I had until now was Starshine. :]

Two drawings and a minor rant.

2011-09-12T20:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, I don't pretend to be a spectacular artist, but I occasionally do sketches that I'm happy with. These fall into that category.

The first is a self portrait. I don't do them frequently for probably pretty obvious reasons. Or if I do, they aren't especially accurate. This one is more than they generally are.

And then we have Apollo. That would be my Soom Shale. His new wig has arrived, but he is not yet painted. I'm still getting a feel for his personality, but I'm pleased overall.

I tend to bond with my dolls through sewing for them, and exploring how they (their characters) might react to theoreticall situations. Apollo seems to be playful, a bit snarky, and maybe a touch of a hipster. I want to make him a t-shirt or three with "ironic" sayings. Overall though he seems to be pretty sweet, and have a clear sense of what he wants to wear, which makes things easy in theory. So far, I've made him a pair of star-print boxer-briefs, and I have fabric set aside to make him a hoodie or t-shirt (or both), and some denim. I need to draft a skinny jean pattern.

If weather permits, Apollo will probably get faceupped tomorrow morning. There's just too much going on tonight for that to be an option.

Side rant:

I'm very very pleased Pherret enjoyed his vacation and came home safely. I am displeased that he's been spooling back up a bit more each day since his return. He was really chill and relaxed for about four days, and has been chippy on a sliding scale for the last three days. Sunday we were all home for the first time in MONTHS, because I used to work every weekend. It was a pretty quiet mellow day until out of the blue he snapped off about how he was sick of hearing us yell at Ringo and the dogs all damn day. Osaka and I exchanged a side glance and bit our tongues. We'd been calling Ringo and the dogs most of the day, just like "Hey come here a minute" or "Hey Bitsy/Sadie, lay down/come here/get out of that". Basic commands/direction none of which were said in anything more than a casual/relaxed tone.

I'm so tired of him being stressed out all the time. I want to be supportive and I KNOW it's the PTSD, but I've just lost all patience for him. It's come down to me retreating into my headphones with a quiet word to Osaka that I've reached my max Pherret Socialization. How sad is that? He's seriously one of my very good friends, and while he and I aren't as close as Osaka and I are, I'd like to be able to be frank and honest with him, and I just CAN'T talk to him about it at all. All attempts turn into him talking over the person, and/or flat out ignoring/misinterpreting what they say. He gets crazy beligerant, and rude, and there's just no talking to him.

I am so exasperated. He's a great friend, but he's incredibly hard to live with, with the PTSD. It wasn't like this (at least not NEARLY to this extent) pre-Afghanistan.

Introducing Apollo (Soom Shale)

2011-09-07T17:51:00.002-04:00

My Soom Shale arrived today! My hands are shaking a bit too much, and I haven't gotten any good photos yet. He doesn't have a faceup yet, but Osaka has agreed to do him up for me, once she's feeling a bit better.

I did have some great eyes on hand for him, and he's borrowing one of Ichigo's fur wigs right now. His wig shipped yesterday, so should arrive tomorrow or Friday.

This is the wig I've got coming for him:

I wasn't expecting Shale to arrive today at all. My tracking never updated past the 4th, where it cleared customs at 5:31am. I'd had my hopes up yesterday and was REALLY disappointed when my new laptop cord arrived but there was no box from Soom. I mean I needed the cord, mine died mysteriously last week, and I've been borrowing Osaka's on and off as my computer has needed charging. But, I wasn't remotely excited, I was just overwhelmed with disappointment. So I had no expectations for today.

Which, is probably why I was still feeling a bit less than enthusiastic when I initially started opening the box. I mean I got over it real fast, but I was well into the box before I started to feel that new doll glow.

I'm not crazy about the unicorn parts in this scale. I mean there's nothing WRONG with them, but they don't charm me the way that Starshine does. I've set those parts aside and will come look at them again later.

After dressing Shale and playing with him a bit, I've concluded that his name is Apollo. I don't think there is any actual connection with the Greek mythology, but I brushed up on it anyway. :]

And now that my hands aren't shaking so badly, here he is. My apologies for his lack of faceup. That will be remedied shortly.

It's interesting to me, what differences there are, not just in scale, between Shale, and Beyla. The eyes are a slightly different shape, the lips are much lippier, and the face is longer but still rather baby-faced. I may do a side-by-side comparison between Moonbeam and Apollo once he's got a faceup.

Sadface.

2011-09-04T23:56:00.001-04:00

Bah! I was really hoping Shale would arrive today but he was only released from Customs at 5:31am. I know he would arrive tomorrow normally. However, tomorrow is Labor Day. So I will likely have Shale in hand Tuesday instead. :( EMS does deliver on Sundays here, so it wasn't a ridiculous expectation.

Also the last several dolls I've gotten direct from company (read Iplehouse) were in my hands less than 42 full hours after they shipped. So I had kind of high expectation.

And aside from slight letdown, I've been feeling a little rundown today. I woke up at a reasonable hour, 9:30-ish, and from the start just felt weak.

Now I'm attributing it to a combination of fatigue from being out and about for 3 days running, and being back on my thyroid medicine. I refilled all my prescriptions 2 weeks ago but overlooked that one, somehow, and so I was off it for about 2 solid weeks. Today was my second day back on it, and I've felt weak, heat sensitive, and dizzy/lightheaded. I think fatigue plays a huge part in it as well, both physical and emotional fatigue. I've had a hell of a month.

Blood sugar may have also played a part. I've gotten used to eating 3 times a day, at pretty regular intervals, on workdays. I'd eat some breakfast, pack a balanced and filling lunch, and frequently have a nice dinner waiting for me when I got home from work.

On non-work days I tend to forget to eat. There's no pressure to eat when I first wake up, if I'm not going anywhere. I might remember that I should eat, about five hours after I wake up, but if I'm home I'm probably playing videogames, or engrossed in conversation or crafts etc with Osaka, so there's no guarentee I'll eat then either.

Today I ate some leftovers a few hours after I woke up. Several hours later I was laying on my bed playing Pokemon and ignoring hunger pains until Osaka came to visit with me. I ate a handful of cheezits.

Cue a dizzy spell when finally feeling hungry I walk to the store with Osaka to pick up dinner. So I ate a bag of peanut M&Ms on the walk home. I felt wobbly, I got pale, and I felt flushed. That was why I thought it might be the thyroid medicine. It can cause heat sensitivity and flushing. Osaka pointed out that it was likely blood sugar. Because she is smart.

The End.

First phone interview.

2011-09-02T16:25:00.002-04:00

I had a phone interview with Geico today. If I am hired, which is pending approval from a hiring manager after they get results from a background check, I would be starting at just shy of $14 an hour. And, I'm told, after the first three months of training, it would increase by 10%. Which would put me at around $15 and some change.

That's nearly double what I made at Home Depot. And this is just a normal customer service job, from what explained to me. I'd work in their call center as a customer service rep. I've already had to deal with that sort of work, working returns, and as a head cashier.

I've worked in call centers before, and don't mind that sort of work, as long as it isn't telemarketing. I have NO issues with people calling in, needing help. I worked as a telesales associate at Ticketmaster when I lived in McAllen, Texas, and I didn't mind that job at all.

If I am approved, I would begin training with the next batch of hires on September 26th. During training, I'd be working day hours, Mon-Fri, I believe he said in the 8-5 range. After three months I would likely be moved to evenings, which would be 3:30-Midnight, and working alternating weekends. I don't mind that, but the buses don't run that late, so I'll need to make sure Pherret won't mind picking me up that late until I can get something else lined up.

And, un-related to that, I went by my normal doctor today, and had some blood work done. My Gender clinic closed down inexplicably in the March or April time-frame, and I haven't yet found a new specialist. My normal doctor is taking over that aspect of my care until I can find a new specialist, so they took some blood to get a new baseline, and he wrote me a prescription for my maintenance-level testosterone. I'm relieved, as I was worried about stalling out in this, while trying to find work again.

I've also just about settled on my name. I've chosen Rory Math C***. I was considering Rorick for the first name, because it is the correct spelling of Rorek, which I've gone by, for about a decade, but I decided that since I would likely be shortening it to Rory anyway, that I will just make that the name.

And one last thing COMPLETELY unrelated to job and transition, I got a shipping notice.

Way back when Shale and Adamelli were released, Osaka was kind enough to order Shale for me, and let me pay her back over time. I had a different doll on layaway at the time I believe, which is why I couldn't/didn't order it myself.

I'm really excited, and I'm thrilled that I will have a shiny new doll to play with while I wait for Geico to get back to me. They said the earliest I would likely hear from them would be Tuesday or Wednesday.

And timing-wise, this feels like a good thing, because I should have my final dental work done before the 26th, and so have nothing extraneous to worry over, in the event that I do get hired. Please wish me luck.

Picking a name.

2011-08-30T02:50:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking hard lately about my name. Originally I'd wanted to keep my birthname, because it can be gender neutral, and I wanted my transition to be as easy as possible on my family.

I know this is a somewhat common problem for people in my position. Some jump in, and end up cycling through many names, just adding to the confusion for those struggling to help and support them. I wanted to avoid that. However, I think I do need to step away from the name I grew up with.

That name calls to mind, a young girl, for many people. And I'm not that girl. I was her, once, a long time ago, but I haven't been that little girl for quite a while.

The further I get along though, the more I see a need to have an obvious separation from that part of myself. I recognize it, and won't deny my past, but I feel that it's important that I take a new name, that fits me.

So I come to my current position. I need to pick a name. If my family and friends have any suggestions, I will happily hear them out. I'd prefer to keep my initials if I can.

Alot of transmen who name themselves end up with (in my opinion) ridiculous names, that out them as being something other than a traditional male. They go for weird spellings or unusual names for the time they were born. That's why I'm asking advice.

I know Rorek isn't a common name. Robyn is an uncommon (but known) spelling for a common name. I want something I will be able to respond to and feel right. I want something mostly normal but a little different, like what I had as a kid. I want it to sound right next to the names of my siblings and parents. And I want it to be something I can easily learn to respond to. I'd LIKE to keep my initials, RMC.

These are the R names I've found in my searchings (for first names):

Ronan - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) little seal (the animal)

Roarke - Irish Celtic boys name which means (meaning) famous ruler

Rhain - Welsh Celtic boys name which means (meaning) lance (implying brave warrior)

Rory - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) red haired or red king

Rowan - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) little redhead

These are the M names I've looked at:

Melan - Celtic name of a Saint in Cornwall and Brittany

Math - Welsh boys name of uncertain origin or meaning but was a historical Welsh King

Moran - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) white as the sea

I want something with a similar ring to my birth name, and I think combining some of these can get that. I've leaned towards Celtic, Irish, and Welsh names because of my heritage, of which I am immensely proud. I am open to more traditional American names too.

Ideally I'd like to get the name picked and have my legal name change done before year's end.

Dental Procedure part 2 of 3.

2011-08-29T17:47:00.001-04:00

Today was a beautiful day, weather-wise. There's supposed to be some storms this evening. We (Ringo, Osaka, and I) trotted down to the Dentist's office for the second half of my dental work.

It was a bit more involved than I was aware it would be. I didn't realize they were grind down all of the remaining tooth. I thought it was more of a cap, than a false tooth bolted into the root of the original tooth. I wasn't entirely prepared for how much drilling there was, but Dr Furman was very patient with me.

Today they did the post, core, and a temporary acrylic crown, and molds/impressions to send off for my permanent crown.

One unusual thing, was that I was still able to feel the tooth, which I apparently wasn't supposed to, because of the root canal. I've had continued sensation, but no pain, since the initial procedure on the 12th.

And I continue to feel the tooth, even though, at this point all that remain are the roots, which have been thoroughly cleaned out.

The temporary crown feels a little weird. I showed it to Osaka and Ringo and they say it blends against my teeth, to where you can't tell which tooth is the false one. I'm told the permanent crown will feel more natural.

All in all, far less of a trauma than the root canal was, even though there was alot of unexpected grinding and drilling.

I go back in about two weeks for the permanent crown once it arrives to the office. That procedure at least, is supposed to be a simple one, of just popping off the plastic crown, and then permanently adhering the permanent crown.

In the meantime I'm told to avoid gum, taffy, anything sticky and chewy, and hard crunchy things. I miss gum and corn nuts. e_e;;

Awake and Thinking

2011-08-25T01:57:00.000-04:00

I find it strange that I am somehow less stressed now that all sense of job security is shattered and I am seeking employment.

I'm still suffering from insomnia, panic attacks, etc, but they are overall far less severe than they were say, a month ago, when I was oblivious and miserable doing what I'm doing.

I wanted to find to new work anyway. I just wanted to find it before I ended my current position.

I'm finding myself even considering drawing and sewing again, both of which I all but gave up upon working full time. My position was technically a part time one, but I regularly had 40 hour weeks, and never weekends off.

I wouldn't want to (and can't afford to) go back to a part time job, but I am finding my creativity weaving it's magic again.

For instance, right now I'm wide awake. I work tomorrow but it's a closing shift. There's no feasible reason I couldn't stay up until the wee hours of the morning sewing or drawing, or just playing with my dolls. There's no light for that, but I mean that's all that is really keeping me from busting out clothes or fabric and playing dress up.

I miss this. I've been too stressed to do anything after work for about a year. Maybe longer. I come home, eat something, make a pitiful attempt at socialization, and crawl off the bed dreading tomorrow.

Right now, I'm energized from a refreshing soak in the tub, and ready to DO something. And, I don't mean turn on the xbox, or watch a movie. I actually have energy to try doing something creative. It's silly how big a deal this is.

I almost feel excited about the impending unknown. And, given my hesitance to change, this is a good thing, I think.

1 year on Testosterone, and why I'm not at Home Depot.

2011-08-23T01:01:00.001-04:00

Today was officially one year on Testosterone. If I remember correctly, I had my first shot August 22nd, 2010. Actually I should've made this post on the 20th, according to what I have recorded on livejournal. Even so.

Alot has happened in one year, and I took some photos later the other night when insomnia was keeping me up. I have changed alot physically. It's most noticeable in my face, and so I present to you, this comparison.

It may seem subtle, but when I look at older photographs it's hard for me and others to recognize that as me. Even photos from 6 months ago, or 3 months ago, look different.

Granted I haven't been great about taking photos over the past year. I've gone through alot of uncomfortable changes that I didn't want photographic evidence of. I had issues with acne for several months at the beginning, and it took a long time for that to settle down and my body to adjust.

It's been a long year. It's been stressful. But I'm still standing, and I'm still happy.

The job hunt continues. I've been putting in applications, heard back (negatively) from some, heard back from others that my application(s) are under consideration.

The situation with Home Depot had to do with two (completely bogus) customer complaints. Customer complaints count for more than any other issues, and two was all it took for me to go on final notice, from no issues. It was recommended to me that I could put in my two weeks notice and retain re-hirable status, or I could wait for any minor complaint and be let go unceremoniously.

Because of the pending dental procedure, to finish my root canal, on the 29th, I did put in two weeks notice. This way I will still be technically covered during the time of the procedure, and I can theoretically go crawling back (but apply for a different department) in a few months if I find nothing else.

Other factors, that I had to consider, were the uncertainty of my future in Virginia Beach, which depends on where Pherret finds civilian employment, and the fact that Home Depot already had my replacement hired.

If I hadn't put in two weeks notice, they would have found something insignificant they could let me go over. So that's the whole story.

Job Hunting, Again.

2011-08-18T01:16:00.001-04:00

Without going into uncomfortable detail, I've put in my two weeks notice at the big orange box. I'm currently putting applications elsewhere and hoping/praying for the best. Please wish me luck.

My last day at Home Depot will be September 4th. Once things have settled down I will explain in more detail.

I still need a RAGE/ROREK SMASH/etc icon. :[

High-Five your FACE!

2011-08-17T00:16:00.001-04:00

So Osaka told me that I needed to share with you, oh friends of the internet, something dumb I did yesterday.

We were in Five Below (a great novelty shop with everything $5 or less) and she found something awesome. I don't remember what it was exactly, just that I was excited, and I had the urge to high-five her face. It should be noted that she was in a fragile emotional state, and gave me a startled and somewhat wounded face when I told her of my urge.

For the record I did not infact, make contact with her face, with my hand, open or closed.

Sorting Hat: Ravenclaw

2011-08-14T21:41:00.001-04:00

I stole this from a friend who got surprising results. I like how it gives you percentages instead of just placing you.

Your result for The Sorting Hat: A Comprehensive Harry Potter Personality Assessment [Test/Quiz]...

Ravenclaw

53% Ravenclaw, 50% Hufflepuff, 44% Slytherin and 51% Gryffindor!

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,

if you've a ready mind,

Where those of wit and learning,

Will always find their kind;

The cardinal traits of Ravenclaw are intellect, wit and openness to experience. They are the most introverted house of the four. Ravenclaws are more likely to prefer small gatherings of like-minded individuals and require recooperation after stressful social interaction. These individuals are intuitive creatures, the quintessential researchers. They lack the stubborn, strict, and rule-abiding qualities that would inhibit intellectual growth—one can't be too set in their ways if they are to be open to exploring new ideas and paths of thought.In contrast to Slytherin and Gryffindor, Ravenclaws in general are much more emotionally stable. Their reactions seem dampened compared to the sometimes dramatic responses of the other houses—they're much less likely to get offended, they're more open to criticism, not particularly argumentative and interested in hearing different points of view. They can at times seem to be less interested in people and more interested in their own inner world, and appear to be disconnected from the rest of humanity.

Ambition is secondary to them. Although they may strive to excel in school, knowledge and self-enrichment is the primary goal as opposed to simply wanting good marks. If they do happen to strive for excellence, it is because it fits with their other goals, not out of a desire to be superior or the best. Due to their intuitiveness and willingness to listen, Ravenclaws can be empathetic and make good advisors. They should generally leave leadership roles to people who are more extraverted and who would enjoy them more, however.

Take The Sorting Hat: A Comprehensive Harry Potter Personality Assessment [Test/Quiz] at HelloQuizzy

The root canal was only a minor trauma.

2011-08-13T02:34:00.001-04:00

I don't know if I've ever explained my fear of dentistry. I take pretty good care of my teeth, overall, but for the last 10 years or so (minus my time at Home Depot) I have been without Dental insurance. So my last dental procedure was getting a filling replaced 11 years ago.

Prior to that, I went to the dentist only if we know there was a problem, so maybe a handful of times in my youth. My first experience that I remember, was getting my first cavity filled when I was 9, and my dental hygiene was about what you'd expect of a 9-year-old.

The Dentist gave a shot to numb up the tooth, waited the appropriate time, and then began drilling. The shot had not properly numbed me up. I cried, and flailed a bit, and he yelled at me. When I explained that the shot didn't work, they gave me another. Waited, and drilled again. I still felt it. That time he told me he was almost done, and finished it up.

So, that comes to mind every time I hear that dental drill. And my anxiety goes through the roof. Today, I count myself lucky, because I had a very understanding staff attending me, and when the first shot didn't properly numb me, and I felt the drill, the dentist apologized, and gave me two or three more shots, in a few different places to really make sure I wouldn't feel it.

It worked, and I was incredibly relieved. This time when I felt the drill, it was more of a sensation of knowing that there was something in my mouth, and I could hear it, but there was no pain. One of the ladies in the office lent me her noise-canceling headphones to help me try to block out the sound of the drill.

From there it was very surreal, and I was only vaguely aware of what was going on, based upon seeing a technician handing tools back and forth to the dentist, though mostly I was staring up at the ceiling, when my view was unobstructed by the dentist's hand and wrist. I'm not sure exactly how long I was in there, because by the time it was over, I was in minor shock.

I did end up taking one of my anti-anxiety pills but I felt shell-shocked and was relieved when, after a stop at the pharmacy for a new script for vicodin, I was able to come home and sleep off the worst of it.

The dentist I saw today was a specialist, and told me that he had done the roots, and put in a temporary filling but I need to see my regular dentist within 30 days. I asked how soon was too soon, and he said I should give my mouth about a week before I go to get the post and crown done with my normal dentist.

I'm going to ask if I can get before and after x-rays from Dr Furman, because I was a bit too stunned to ask for the afters from Dr Bernier. It was interesting to be able to see the work he had done on the x-ray, and how bad the tooth had actually been versus what I could see on the first x-ray, which I had trouble deciphering.

All in all, the procedure itself (once I was properly numbed up) wasn't too bad. There was a bit where I was apparently trying to clench my jaw, and my cheek ended up getting nicked, but the dentist was very apologetic, and I think that was rather my own anxiety getting in the way. I didn't feel it happening at any rate. I think the more painful part, will be adjusting to the difference of how my tooth feels because there is some live nerve left it feels like, and I feel a slight pressure from the work that was done. I don't know how that will or will not change after I've got the post and crown.

Anyway, Monday I will be calling Dr Furman to schedule my followup for the post and crown. I want to get this all finished as quickly as I can, so I don't have to deal with it again any time soon. I take pretty good care of my teeth I think, so if I can just get this sorted, all I should have to worry about is the maintenance cleanings and checkups. :)

Two tales of interest and possibly amusment.

2011-08-11T02:06:00.001-04:00

I've had a few interesting experiences in the last several days. One of which, was yesterday.

I got called into the manager's office in the early afternoon over a customer complaint. This is the first one about me that I am aware of, and to top it off, I'm not even the cashier that initially upset the customer.

Sometime back in late June or early July (after my vacation and shortly after Father's day) there was an older man (I was told he was 71) at the self check out register. I was passing by, on my way to do something else, possibly get breaks going, or check to see who was coming in, but certainly not just passing idly by. Anyway, as I'm passing one of my cashiers 'K' waves me over. I stop in mid-step and turn to her, and ask her what she needs.

The older man is standing at her counter looking annoyed, and she is giving me that helpless deer-in-the-headlights look she is prone towards. It may well have been a well earned look of confusion or being overwhelmed, I can't say, because I barely remember the incident.

The customer has just used the last of his gift card, and as our registers prompt us to do, K took the empty card and slid it under the drawer of her register. The customer is demanding the card back.

I explained that our policy is to collect the cards upon them being used up, and that bookkeeping processes them at the end of business day.

The customer argues that the transaction is complete so the card is already processed, and he wants it back. He then begins SCREAMING in our faces that the card is HIS property, and it was bought especially for him and he wants HIS property BACK.

So I inwardly rolled my eyes and quirked a brow, but put on my customer service smile and retrieved the card from the register, handing it back to him. I believe I apologized for the inconvenience and told him to have a nice day.

A few minutes later our manager on duty passed, and I relayed briefly that I'd just had the most bewildering interaction with a customer demanding his used up giftcard back. I told her that I'd given it to him, and left it at that.

Fast forward to yesterday, August 9th. I'm called into the managers office with the store manager, and the manager that happened to be on duty the day of the incident. P, the store manager tells me that I'm there for because a customer wrote a 5 page complaint about me.

He asked me if I remember the incident in question and after he said it was about an older man wanting his gift card back, I turned to the other manager and blurted "I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS WHEN IT HAPPENED!". She barely remembered it too, and certainly it didn't ping either of our This Customer Might Be Crazy radars. Cause he didn't go into all that detail at the time. He just stood there looking furious and screaming about how the card was HIS and he wanted it back.

This guy, apparently wrote five pages, at least a month after the fact, about how I was an aggressive, rude person, who probably kicks puppies in my spare time. He didn't actually say that part, but I wasn't given the chance to read the complaint so for all I know he did. He goes on for five pages about how I am a jerk, and unfeeling, and I don't understand his plight.

He wrote a story about how the gift card was a special present from his grandson who is differently-abled and saved up to buy this card for "Pappy" and how he went on and on about Pappy's special gift card, and the card was an heirloom to be treasured etc.

This guy didn't tell me even half this story when I initially told him we don't give back used up cards. We collect them because the computer tells us to. If you shop at the Home Depot, and you use up a gift card, our register says "Please collect card". It's not a plot to persecute you, I promise.

And I GAVE the crazy old man his card back, so I don't know why he felt the need to write a 5 page letter, call my store manager (who explained that I was going with store policy) and THEN apparently write another letter and send that straight to corporate. What. The. Hell.

I was told to write my statement regarding the event, to which I responded "I've been on vicodin the last week because of my impending root canal. I barely remember the events of this week, let alone this event which happened like a month ago." I did write what I could remember but I'm still baffled.

And in less crazy events, something that amused me greatly happened today before work. Osaka has been babysitting some kids who are connected to a friend of Pherret's, on and off for a few weeks. They are two boys about Ringo's age, one of whom is also ADHD like Ringo, and unmedicated, unlike Ringo. They're sweet boys, with pretty good manners, and they get on well with Ringo.

Well today I was sitting on the sofa in conversation with the older boy, who has been using male pronouns for me, when the younger one interrupts and says "She".

Older boy looks at him with a questioning expression, and says "No, clearly a he, I mean just listen to his voice." and gestures towards me.

The younger one eyes me skeptically and says "I don't know, I can't put a finger on it but I think she's a she."

Older boy gives his brother a quirked brow and responds "Then why did Ringo's mom say HE had to go to work later? Hmm? He's obviously a he."

Younger boy turns to me "You're a she right?"

"Nope, I'm a he." I respond, smiling.

He looks from me to his brother and starts shaking his head, "I don't know.."

Older boy says "See! I told you. You're just being dumb."

Osaka says the debate continued even after I left for work. I was very amused, and a bit delighted, because the older boy used male pronouns from the start when he saw me. It wasn't like anyone was making a big deal over it, or emphasising. I don't correct pronouns in the house because it's not usually a big deal and I know it takes a long time to adjust. Osaka is great about it, Pherret is 50/50, and Ringo just doesn't seem to notice or care, and that's just fine.

So my point is, I've never made a point in front of these boys about establishing that I am male. I just woke up the first morning he (the older of the two boys) was over, and rolled out to the living room and greeted the boys as I was getting ready for work. I'm still pre-surgery and everything, so it's purely from whatever changes I've got going on. Osaka says my voice is pretty deep now, and with the physical changes subtle as they may be, it's enough that I pass about 50% of the time.

I am about a year on testosterone now so it makes sense that I would start getting some people (correctly) assuming male without my having to say anything now, even taking into account my chest. People seem to chalk it up to me being kind of a heavy person.

Vicodin helps the pain but not the nerves.

2011-08-09T00:37:00.002-04:00

My root canal is Friday, the 12th. I could have gotten in tomorrow, but I would have had to call off work, and things are tight with some people quitting and the newbies not completely trained yet, and also I don't have the personal time. So, it's Friday 1:30pm.

I am nervous, but as my pain as amped up, I'm just relieved that the end is in sight. After the pain, frustration with vicodin and penicillin side effects, and general stress levels, this root canal should feel like nothing at all.

The vicodin has had me moody, short tempered, and blunt. I'm honest anyway, but I mean BLUNT, as in no filter at all, not even the one of social civility. So I've been snapping at people when they're getting on my nerves, and the littlest things have been getting on my nerves.

I've been on edge for a long while because things are complicated in our apartment-life, and with changes comes adustment etc. Pherret, bless him, has been a different man since he's returned from Afghanistan, and has finally come to terms (or at least is beginnning to) with the fact that he has PTSD. He finally admitted it in June when Osaka, Ringo, and I were in Tennessee on vacation, and there was no one home to blame for being totally stressed out.

I like Pherret alot. He's a good friend. And, I've had a very difficult time being as patient as I need to be with him, well before I started medicating for the tooth pain.

With the vicodin, I've been more visually annoyed/stressed by him, and it's been hard to control my reactions. Today I thought I was doing a great job of biting my tongue and keeping my temper, until he had a minor episode in the evening and blurted out that he was doing fine until we all put him on edge. He said something about the tension in the house being palpitable, which is shocking because the things that caused stress in the evening were accidents.

Incident 1: Ringo fell and scraped his hand, knee, and ankle, when walking Bitsy. Incident 2: While cooking our pizzas for dinner, the oven began smoking filling the apartment with smoke, startling us all and worrying the dogs and Ringo, because a piece of sausage fell off one of them and landed on the heating element. Incident 3: Pherret accidently triggered a minor boss fight (and was brutally slaughtered) in Dragon Age when he was trying to save and quit to eat dinner (which WAS salvageable).

All three incidents were accidental, and the only things we could think of that could have set off the episode. Pherret couldn't place a trigger and remained upset for several hours.

Prior to those three incidents, we'd all had a pretty mellow day, joking with each other, chatting, did a grocery run, had pleasant conversation etc.

But that's enough of that. I've also had vivid dreams, waking dreams, black outs (at home thank goodness), and lack of muscle control. I've been dropping things way more than I usually do. My grip gives out halfway through a task. I look forward to the end of that side effect.

The other side effect I've been dealing with is from the penicillin I think. I've got some sun sensitivity. I experienced it starting shortly into the second day on the antibiotic, as an itching sensation and I could actively feel the sunburn setting in.

That said I look forward to this being behind me, and being back to my old self. Without the bad tooth.

Guess who needs a root canal! 8D ...

2011-08-02T23:38:00.000-04:00

So... if ya'll remember, I discovered a cavity in one of my rear right molars (on the top) way back when I was living in Texas. I had other things on my mind when I started my medical and dental insurance, and I forgot all about it until about two weeks ago.

Suddenly I could feel it with my tongue, and the tooth was tender to the touch. It got progressively worse and more sensitive with my pain dialing up to a 5 on the doctor pain scale. Wait no scratch that. After viewing this chart, it was at a steady 8.

Anyway I went to the dentist finally to get it looked at, and I need a root canal. I've been referred to a specialist because of the location of the bad tooth. It's hard to get at because it's on the top and in the very back. By the way I DO have wisdom teeth. Who knew? Not me. They apparently came in finally some time in the last 3 years.

Anyway.. I was given a prescription for penicillin, because I am NOT allergic to it, and a script for vicodin to manage the pain until my root canal. And oh boy does it work.

I took one today at work when my pain hit a 9 on that scale, my whole face was throbbing on the right side, and making facial expressions was excruciating. I don't think I have EVER been that cheerful at work. I mean EVER. I was the only one on register for about an hour, had the Head Cashier phone and all, long lines, and I was nothing but smiles and thank yous, and have a nice days. And I MEANT it.

In the morning I will be calling the specialist to schedule the root canal, hopefully for Friday or Monday, which are my days off, and then go from there. My dental insurance will cover most of it.

Incidentally, I posted this to my facebook, with the comment of this is me on Vicodin.

Dream girl, you're a fantasy?

2011-07-31T07:53:00.002-04:00

My dreams do weird things to me. When I'm just beginning to wake up, I take the dreams very seriously if it was a particularly intense dream.

I had two such dreams last night. The first of which involved confusion and drama between my very best friend, and her husband. In said dream, he abandoned her after a meal at Golden Corral, even noticing that she was having a severe medical emergency. I can't recall if it was a seizure condition or a heart condition in my dream, but BF has neither condition in real life, that I am aware of. Just dreamland making me process confusing thoughts and fears.

Then at the end of that dream, I woke up, and was scrambling to write down all the meaningful nuances and such. I'm not sure if that part really happened or if it was a segway to the next dream. It could have happened but I ended up giving up and rolling over to go back to sleep since it was only 4:50am.

I became aware that I was dreaming at the very beginning of the next dream, but that knowledge was only partially there the entire time. I was in my "home", an apartment I've never seen before that seemed to have two non-functional garages, visible from the outside. I couldn't even find the way to the one below the first floor, and I went upstairs rather than checking out the one on groundlevel. The wall against the staircase was seethrough, and sound seemed to go through as well, because my "neighbor" called out to me that he was sick of seeing my stupid cat.

I recall seeing a small black cat that could have been Decke, and then my memory is a bit fuzzy. I found myself wandering a small mountain town, via a car? I was with someone but I don't remember them. I startled when I saw two of the women who were at the Golden Corral in the other dream. They called out to me, asking if my friend is okay, which is when I remembered/realized I was in dreamland. They called out from their car, as they were passing the other way at a stoplight.

From there I recall little until I was wandering through a highschool with two women/girls. I'm unsure of their age, but they told me they were enrolling at this school. I remember musing to myself (whether outloud to them I don't know) that this school was in dreamland, and I wasn't sure exactly what the enrolling process would be, or how they could prove identity with documents and all that. My logic being, I assume, that because it was dreamland (but I did not have direct control of the dream, just awareness that it was one) they would not have access to the documents they needed since those are somewhere in their real lives.

It didn't occur to me, as it does now, that they may have had such documents available to them in dreamland, if they weren't aware that it was a dream. One of the women/girls (age is hard to determine in dreams) also seemed to be aware that she was dreaming. I think at that point we travelled together a bit, but there were some people who knew that we knew where we were (dreaming) and were trying to force us to wake up rather than interact with each other.

Seconds before my alarm awoke me, we exchanged names in desperation. My googlefu reveals nothing, but the name in question, was Jeanette Graham Bennett Hutton. I got the impression the last two names might have been hyphenated but she didn't say as much. The intensity of being chased and feeling like it was us against the entire sleeping world, made me want to seek her out, if she was indeed a real person.

It seems a little silly upon waking, but dreams have always been very powerful for me.

So I'm 28 now.

2011-07-22T01:28:00.001-04:00

I never posted about my birthday. I meant to, but it just didn't happen. I was on Vacation in East Tennessee when I should have put in to have my birthday off, so I was scheduled to work on it. In the week prior, one of our head cashiers quit under stressful circumstances, and our Front End Supervisor left for vacation the next day. I, and the remaining two Head Cashiers were spread thin, and got by on the skin of our teeth, and the help of someone else in the store stepping in for shifts throughout that week.

On my actual birthday, as I said, I was working, so I didn't do much of anything. I came home, and received hugs and gifts from Osaka and Ringo, both of whom spent great care selecting things I'd love and use. :) Osaka got me the deluxe edition of Dragon Age, which includes Origins, Awakening, and the downloadable content. Ringo got me an assortment of things, one of which was my second transformer figurine, a Megatron to go with the Optimus Prime I received for Christmas. He's the original, gun form. I'll take photos tomorrow I hope, with one or more of my yo-sized boys.

We treated Friday the 15th as my birthday instead, and I had a great celebratory dinner with several good friends, and co-workers that I am fond of. It went well, I think, aside from a migraine that set in about midday, but I slept that off, and felt much better for it by 5pm, when one of my intended guests for the dinner called me to verify plans.

I also ended up going out with Sam Sunday night, and had fun with her and some mutual friends, and then got together with some more friends Tuesday before I had to go to work. This is the longest I've extended birthday celebrations, that I can recall, it was pretty cool.

That said, I've been a bit stressed over work. I've been trying to get a different position at my place of employment for several months, because the expections placed on me, change at too rapid a pace for me to keep up with, and retain my sanity. I was informed just recently, that it's not likely that they will let me off the front end, so I am beginning to look for other work. I'm not happy about this, because I like working where I do, but instead of looking forward to each shift, and my interactions with my co-workers, I am filled with apprehension each day I am scheduled to work.

That, combined with the closing of the specialized clinic I was using, has me fretful. I've been given information on another clinic with the same specialization but I have not gotten in touch with them yet. I plan to give them a call tomorrow, and failing that, Monday, to try and get my medical affairs back in order. There aren't alot of specialists in my area, and most of the searches I've done, recommend the clinic I was using, that has closed. The new clinic, (which I know little about yet) is a further drive, and will be harder to get to, as I can't take the bus there if necessary.

Stressing about that, and work, has made me all but mute. I don't want to stress my friends, and I've lost the ability (in my opinion) to communicate effectively.

Introducing Noland.

2011-06-27T20:23:00.001-04:00

I have some photos and such from my vacation to Tennessee to post up, but first, an introduction.

This beautiful boy is a Rosenlied Tuesdays Child Beige, boy version. I've purchased him from SDink, and he is a grail doll. He is a boy version of Beige, and he has an SDink faceup. I love SDink's work, and her faceup list spots are really hard to get so getting a special boy version of a Rosenlied sculpt I adore, who also has one of her beautiful faceups is just fantastic.

Incidentally he arrived lightning fast. He was shipped Friday from San Jose, California, and arrived today, Monday in Virginia Beach, Virginia. I was expecting him to arrive tomorrow or Wednesday while I would be at work and unable to retrieve him. I expressed such to Pherret, and he sat on the front steps when he saw the postman, just in case, and surprised me with a box about 15 minutes after I expressed the desire to take a nap.

As for names I've gone to my list of Irish and Gaelic names that I have tucked away. I'm leaning towards Noland.

I do know that I need to make him clothes because he doesn't want to wear any of what I have onhand. I've got him in a basic white shirt, khaki shorts, and white loafers, but I think he may be a lace and frills sort of boy. I'm hoping that actually since I don't have any little lord fauntleroy types.

There'll be photos from vacation up later in the week probably.

Doll rambling and vacation.

2011-06-13T00:45:00.002-04:00

So, at this point I have a nice assortment of tinies and am mostly inclined towards tinies for my future purposes. I've joked that I need enough for a Kindergarten class, but if I were to actually aquire all the tinies that make me go "Awwww" I'd easily have enough.

Currently I have 9, with a 10th in progress. The 9th is Ness, my Impldoll Cyril, who has made it home, and been sealed, but my time off has not coincided with good sealing weather for faceuping.

And, because I can, I present you with photographs, some of which you may have already seen, of my current tinies. Obviously not including Ness, as he's in pieces awaiting faceup and blushing. :)

As a mosiac compilation because I love doing those. :3 At some point (once I have bodies for my 2 SD heads) I will get photos of all of my dolls together.

What inspired this particular post, is my pondering whom I should get next. I'd like an Infinitidoll Tiki, who resembles a Four Sisters Yo in the face, at least with the default faceup. I'm also sorely tempted by Raurencio Robe and Lazune. I'm not crazy about the default faceup on Robe, but Lazune is too precious.

Then of course there are all the tinies scattered throughout my general wishlist, as listed on Den of Angels. I'd like a handful of Rosenlied tinies, a few from Asleep Eidolon, a Leekeworld Tori, a Dollzone Kay, and SOMEDAY a Volks Rengemaru or Suzuna.

I'm tempted to order Raurencio Robe for my birthday since he is only $200, and I could theoretically swing that on one paycheck. However I also need to start pricing plane tickets home for Thanksgiving, and see what I need to set aside.

I'll have lots of time to think about dolls and travel plans while I'm on vacation. I plan to take most of my tinies, and Ichigo to play with and photograph while I'm in Tennesee with Osaka, Ringo, and Wotan. We'll be at their farm in East Tennessee, and I'm excited about it. It's up in the mountains and it's gonna be a week of peace and quiet away from work, and internet, and other stuff. This will be my first adult vacation where I actually go somewhere, and I'm thrilled about it.

Nothing of major interest going on, aside from doll musings and planning for what to do while on vacation. We'll be heading out either Friday the 17th or Saturday the 18th, I believe, and heading back to Virginia Beach, the following Friday.

Face fuzz.

2011-05-13T23:29:00.000-04:00

It's been a real long time since I posted a photo of myself. I'm at 38 weeks on Testosterone, according to my counting back from my last post mentioning it (when I hit the 6 month mark). Osaka chimes in, that if I were a baby I could be born, at 38 weeks. I'd be two weeks early at 38 weeks. Thank you Osaka for that random and entertaining information. :)

I've been lazy about shaving, because it's alot of effort to shave properly every day. So I bought an inexpensive electric trimmer, and use that about twice a week when my stubble gets obvious. Today, I was feeling adventurous so I shaved it into as close to a goatee as I can approximate. It's subtle on camera. In person it's still pretty subtle. Even so, I wanted to document my pitiful face fuzz.

I have been told I look alot different than I did before I started, by some of my co-workers. I'm getting 'sir'ed about 35% of the time, regardless of what I am wearing. Then I'll have a random day where it's really consistent, like more than 50% of my customers 'sir' me consistently. Those are the days I come home feeling confused but pleased.

Physically I don't look way different, but my facial shape has changed quite a bit, I think. See this photo from after the beach, week of my 1st shot.

As for the rest of me, my body shape has changed quite a bit. I've lost what little padding I had on my thighs, butt, and arms. My shirts fit loose in the sleeve where before they were snug, my pants fall down, because there is nothing to hold them up aside from a belt that can only try so hard.

So... I think my original point is that I have some facial hair.

Familiar but uncomfortable.

2011-05-08T03:26:00.001-04:00

I've been having a difficult time keeping my thoughts sorted lately. There's been alot going in, but not really anything I can discuss. Stress at work, over expectations versus realism, tension in the apartment for various reasons, and still struggling to lose weight and eat/be healthy.

I've found it very difficult to try and talk through these things even face to face anymore. Part of that, is that one of the people I interact with daily, seems to intentionally mis-interpret what I (and others) say, and part is the uneasiness that comes with me subtle changes in how I see things.

I've noticed that I process situations a little differently, than I did, pre-hormone therapy. Instead of saying every little thought that comes across my head, I say almost nothing. Which is strange for me. I've been a chatterbox my entire life, since I started talking in full (long) sentences around my second birthday.

These days, I keep most of my thoughts to myself unless I'm stressed out over something. And even then, I'll end up trailing off, feeling that I am not being understood and that it's not worth continually re-phrasing what I'm saying.

I wish I could have the easy, comfortable conversations that I have with my bestfriend, and some of my family, with everyone. Not to cheapen that, but because I frequently feel that I am not understood. Not in a victim complex way, but in that, I have a very hard time finding the correct words to leave absolutely no room for confusion.

Tension is high at work, and at home, so I find that I'm trying that much harder to leave no room to misinterpret, deliberately or accidently. If I am perfectly clear, every single time I open my mouth, there is less room for confusion, or to pick a fight.

So.. I just don't talk much now. I will have quiet, brief conversations with Osaka, and intermittant conversation with Ringo, and various co-workers, but I don't think I've had a really DEEP conversation with anyone (aside from Osaka, in private) in months.

I miss that. I'm finding that I'm also wanting to be more friendly and social with some of my co-workers, to the extent I asked one that I'm closer to, if he'd be interested in traveling with me to Texas, when I go home for Thanksgiving. We've hung out a few times, and had some in depth conversations and are very comfortable so it could theoretically be a fun trip.

In all likelihood, I will travel by myself, but I did entertain the idea.

I've been suffering from Insomnia alot for the last several weeks. I can't remember the last time I laid down and just fell asleep. Lately I climb up into my bed, tired, sleepy, and sit with my laptop searching for human contact online. I check the forums, I look on facebook, and LJ, I say nothing, and I go to sleep feeling disconnected.

I'm feeling frustrated and because I work such long hours, and there is an underlaying tension all the time, I can't seem to properly unwind and enjoy the things I like to do.

I've aquired several tinies in the last year, and I haven't REALLY played with any of them since I got Starshine way back in early 2010. I've since gotten a body for Moonbeam, gotten Sarabelle, Simon Oliver, Toby, TJ, Ness, and I'm in the staging plans of a layaway for a new boy.

And I haven't gotten to play with any of them for more than a few minutes at a time. I haven't had the time or energy to sew for them, to draw, to paint, to chat online. I'm so frustrated over it.

I used to be able to do these things AND work, WAY back when I worked at Michaels. Sure, I was working like 25-30 hours a week, but I had time for toys, the internet, and theoretically friends. But instead I stayed in my room and played videogames in the dark and slept.

I'm wondering if I'm creeping along that steep-sloped edge of depression. I'm scared that's the case.

I've also been processing some very complex and surprising emotions and memories at the news that a dear family friend suddenly passed. I was given the news that she was sick, less than 48 hours before she passed, and it struck me, far more than I expected it to, since the person in question was so far in my past I'd completely forgotten her impact on me.

Her family, helped care for me, and my family, when we were down on our luck, and desperately needed real friends. They were there for us, and her kindness made a huge impact on me. She encouraged me to be myself, encouraged me to do the things I liked and wanted to do, and was very kind and gentle with her encouragement. I remember her as a mother-figure, when my own mother was scrambling to hold her family together and pull our lives into some semblance of sanity and health.

I really wish I had the ability to fly home and attend her wake, mourn properly, and thank her family.

I am pleased to introduce Tyrell James or T.J. for short.

2011-04-11T00:52:00.001-04:00

I'm a little cranky that my tiny laptop keyboard is prone to taking my typing of posts, as a cue to jump forwards or backwards on my internet browser. I lose more posts that way, than I care to count. :[

Anyway my Iplehouse Efreet arrived yesterday while I was at work. He and Byuri both, were in hand less than three days after I got my shipping notice. Nekokoi theorizes that it's because I'm on the East Coast and therefore closer to Customs. She's probably right.

Last night when I got home, I unwrapped him, dressed him, and plopped him in a temp wig, since I haven't had a chance yet to purchase the right wig for him. I took a few photos of him and compared him with Toby. They're both on the standard body, and if/when I get more Iplehouse babies, I think I will get the mobility joint, since from the photos I've seen on DOA it actually seems to make a difference in posability.

Comparison-wise, if Toby is an Irish cream, or pale toffee, then T.J. (Tyrell James) is a chocolate milk and toffee blend. There's an obvious difference in color but T.J. is nowhere near as dark as Osaka's Kamau, who I believe was in the ebony skin. T.J. is in the light brown resin, and it's a beautiful color in person, but hard to photograph, at least, at night. So, the color is a bit.. just don't trust it.

I have pulled out my very short black faux fur, to make him a fuzzhead wig, in the meantime, until his proper wig has been purchased and delivered. The red is charming, but T.J. is not a redhead, and it makes his faceup look a bit off.

I'm very glad I got him, and when I was looking hard at him today it really emphasized what I loved about the sculpt, and my initial reaction of "Oh no, I bought the wrong one" when I saw Efreet, and had just finished purchasing Byuri. I love Toby, don't get me wrong, but I really NEEDED T.J.

Once I've gotten his fuzzwig done, I'll try to take some more, proper photos. I never did for Toby. e_e; I've just been crazy busy with work, and then I was so sick for like a month straight. Ugh.

I might have work news in the near future. I've put in for a transfer to a couple of different departments for various reasons, not the least of which is stress. I like being a Head Cashier, but the pressure is different than it was initially, and I simply don't get paid well enough to cope with it, on top of the other stressors in my life. So, if and when a transfer goes through, I'll update.

CoughHackCough

2011-03-30T20:48:00.001-04:00

So I am currently recovering from an upper respiratory infection.

I had a persistent fever that was just at 99/100 for a couple of weeks, and then Friday it went up to 102, and stayed there. I left work early Saturday, feeling week as hell, and woke up Sunday with my fever having climbed up to 103. I called out sick. My doctor's office isn't open Sundays so I went in Monday. The urgency was much more so, by Monday as I'd begun to vomit, and cough up blood.

I was prescribed Z-pack (low-dose antibiotic) and these awful little pills that are supposed to be a cough suppressant but just made me ill. I ended up vomiting my first dose of the antibiotic as a result, much to my frustration.

I'm on the mend but still feeling week. Ended up calling out today as well because I couldn't stand up for more than a few minutes and I was still coughing up blood. I'm not 100% but I was able to eat a bit today and keep it down. I started taking mucinex today too, to help it along.

The doctor theorized the blood in the mucus is from my esophagus being raw after weeks of coughing and draining etc. I'm just glad my fever is gone, and is staying gone. I've had that fever since about mid-way through Wotan's trip out here, which was like 2 weeks ago.

Dollies!

2011-03-04T23:21:00.001-05:00

So, my lovely Byuri arrived on February 26th, just two days after shipping. The wig I'd purchased with him was out of stock when he was ready, so Iplehouse give me the money back in points for a future purchase.

So, here he is! I am pleased to introduce Tobias Ezekial Särkilahti. I don't know a ton about his character yet, but I know he goes by Toby, and can't pronounce his last name. I think he's a California beach baby, about 4 years old. That's all I have so far.

Also I did put Iplehouse Efreet on Layaway on February 18th (sent the second of three payments today). Nude with faceup. I don't know who he's going to be either, but I got him as a boy, in the light brown resin. I wasn't sure I'd posted about that, but I see that I did, two weeks ago, on the 18th.

Incidentally I'm two days overdue for my shot and I'm noticing that it's easier for me to think and articulate, and also that I'm more impulsive. Point of fact, I placed a second doll on layaway today.

I went to Denver Doll Emporium for some reason that I can't recall, and saw Impldoll Cyril. He's a baby dragon. I know Soom did theirs, but I like Cyril better, and he's only $145. So I got him, on a layaway (no faceup or blushing). I COULD have bought him outright, but I still need to pay my phone bill, so I'll probably just finish paying him off entirely after my last payment on Efreet, in two weeks.

I like him for the character of the little water dragon associated with Starshine and Moonbeam. My origin story for them is that Moonbeam is a young witch, who was attempting a bonding ceremony with her companion beast, a quiet but brave water dragon from the lake, and the ceremony took place just as Starshine (a shooting star) was flying overhead. Moonbeam, being a very young little witch, flubbed her incantations and ended up trapping Starshine in physical form as a Unicorn boy. That is precisely why he looks so cranky. ;]

I think Cyril would a great little Water Dragon companion for Moonbeam, but I never did settle on a name for him, so I'll have to figure that out.

Byuri! (and 6 months on Testosterone)

2011-02-24T01:19:00.000-05:00

My Byuri shipped! The wig I ordered was out of stock so Iplehouse has refunded me the price, in points, which is fine by me. I'm totally ecstatic. Byuri will be my first Iplehouse doll, and my first tan doll.

I still don't have a name picked for him, but I have a few in mind. I'll wait and see what sort of impression he gives me, once I put in his eyes and find the right wig for him.

And in non-doll news I used the last of my vial of testosterone this evening giving my shot. Luckily I have an appointment at the Gender Clinic on Monday, and I should be able to get a refill script then.

Those un-interested in my documentation of changes/etc, can stop reading here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Interestingly, this is week 27, so last Friday marked 6 months on testosterone. I should do a photo comparison.

Items of note in recent past:

I've dropped alot of mass. I've only lost about 3lbs, in the last two months, but I've lost quite a bit of mass, and I've gained muscle in my back, legs, and arms. I still have a tire around my middle, but that's pretty much all that's left as evidence that I used to be REALLY FAT. I'm still over 200lbs, but I'm getting more comfortable with how I'm looking.

Also at 6 months, I'm really starting to notice visible changes. My lips have changed shape. They've gotten more pronounced, my profile is more visible, the skin has gotten firmer, more defined. My lips have gotten a bit thicker, and my nose no longer looks out of place, or overly large, in my opinion, in relation to my other features.

My hairline has shifted, subtly, but it's shifted. I have a scar on my forehead, that used to be about 2mm below the hairline, and it's now over half an inch from the hairline. It's not receding, it's just shifting. The angles of the hairline are sharper. I still don't have sideburns, but I've got notable stubble on my chin, and in a patch on my neck just below the chin.

I'm also fuzzier on my legs, arms, and I'm seeing hints of body fuzz on my neck in the back, below my hairline, and the peach fuzz on my tummy is getting darker.

My legs and butt have completely changed shape. I've lost what little cushion I did have on my backside, and my thighs have shrunk quite a bit (as have my upper arms).

I purchased some new t-shirts on Friday and I think I should have gotten them in a large, as an XL is too big. I'll wear them as intended, for working out and sleeping, but when I do purchase again, I'll be looking at Large or Medium, depending on how much more mass I've lost.

I did mean to track these things on a weekly basis, but the changes have been so subtle that they all kind of hit me at once. My voice has dropped noticeably. More than it had at Christmas, when I called the family.

I've noticed changes in how I react emotionally too. I understand women (and female reactions) even less than I did before. My female co-workers try to get sympathy and I shrug helplessly, because I don't get why the behavior of their boyfriend/etc is bothering them.

I'm also less prone to reacting to the little stuff that bothers me. I let alot more, GENUINELY slide, because it just doesn't bug me now. When I do react it's over-much, but I'm not reacting to nearly the amount of stuff I did before. And frequently those reactions are shortly after my shots.

Which, is why I shifted to doing them Wednesday nights. I was doing them Fridays, but then I'd be RAGEY all weekend at work, which doesn't bode well for someone who is supposed to be in power, let alone someone who is supposed to provide customer service. I had initially just shifted them to Thursday mornings, but I found I was still a bit ragey on Saturdays. So, taking the shots Wednesday night after work instead, it's barely into my system by Thursday mid-shift, and I'm not totally angry by close, and the spike is mostly balanced into my system by the time I work Saturdays.

The main consistent side effects I've noticed, are increased appetite, increased libido(not that I'm doing anything with it), and a spike in anxiety/depression for the first day or two after my shots. The appetite thing has been consistent throughout the whole week for several weeks in a row now though, so that may just be that I've reached a steady base-line of T in my system, my new normal.

Also notable, I seem to have grown an inch or so in height. Which, is surprising, because I am 27, so theoretically my growth plates should have been closed. I currently stand at 5'4", as measured today by a co-worker who insisted that there is no way I was 5'2".

No Arvid.

2011-02-20T00:28:00.000-05:00

I don't think I went into it, but I decided not to get Iplehouse Arvid. He's gorgeous, but because I bought my bed, he's totally out of my price range. Instead I opted for Efreet, which I had wanted anyway, and I CAN manage on a layaway.

I'm a bit disappointed because I really did want Arvid, but I'm trusting that this didn't work out because something even better will. That's kind of how my luck goes.

Like the Littlefee Bisou. I probably could have just had the $400 in cash if I'd waited and bumped and bumped (my sales thread), but I think I'm much happier with him, than I would be with whatever I would have put that money towards. I liked Bisou anyway, even debated buying this specific version. And I got a GREAT deal, and recent positive feedback in the DOA marketplace. So, it worked out well. The trader is happy with her Sweet Dream Piccolo, and I'm happy with my little sleepy (AND open eyed) Bisou.

My luck seems to go that way, most of the time. Stuff I want will fall through, but stuff I need works itself out. Stuff I want will fall through, but something I want even more, will fall into my lap, a little way down the road.

Maybe I'm just a serial optimist. It keeps me going though.

Long day is long. Also dolls.

2011-02-18T23:23:00.000-05:00

Today was a busy but awesome day. :] I slept in later than I meant to, and poked around online for about an hour, before I finally entered in all my receipts and my direct deposited paycheck.

That done, I fretted for a bit, and then placed my order for Iplehouse Efreet, on layaway of course. I wanted him from the moment I saw him. I've ordered him in the light brown resin, with a faceup, jeans, and a shirt. My initial payment has been confirmed, and I also saw that my Byuri is currently "on makeup" according to my response in the Q&A. So hopefully he'll ship in the next week. :]

Then Pherret got home from work a bit early, and so we all went out to lunch (Osaka, Pherret, and myself). We ate at Ninja, a reasonably priced Japanese restaurant, and I tried sushi for the first time. I don't eat fish, but Osaka couldn't finish hers, and I was still hungry after my meal, so I tried it. It was tasty. I still don't like fish, but I enjoyed the flavor.

After lunch we went and got our hair cut (me and Pherret anyway), and then had frozen yogurt at the Skinny Dip. I had lots of delicious fruit bits off in mine, and tiny gummy bears. :]

Then Pherret left to go pick up Ringo since it was about time for the school bus to drop him off, and Osaka and I went to Ross. We got a curtain rod there, a dog bed, and Osaka got a cute belt.

We also went to Game Stop, since our favorite one, is there in the same shopping complex, and I picked up Dragon Quest VI for the DS.

After that we went to Target where I picked up a refill of my thyroid medicine, more vitamins, etc. And we also found some great curtains there for Ringo and my room.

We have a huge window that lets in a ton of light, and in the interests of preserving our dolls, it made sense to get some window coverings.

Then after Target we went to the bank(s) to run some more errands, and then to the mall. Osaka and I took Ringo to Build A Bear to surprise him with his belated birthday present from me. I got him the pink star-covered bear with the speakers in his feet, to use with the MP3 player he got for Christmas. I got the black one for myself.

And that was pretty much all the running we'd planned so we had dinner at Cracker Barrel and came home. :]

It was a very productive day, and very busy. When we got home, Osaka put up the curtains straight away. They're great. I'll probably take new photos of the room soon to show that and some of the other changes.

As it is, I started feeling way more tired than I should, around 9pm, so I'm probably gonna take a shower and go to sleep soon.

Introducing Simon Oliver Valentine

2011-02-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

So I did manage to trade my Piccolo off. He's enroute to his new owner, and my trade arrived today. Best Valentines ever.

Meet Simon Oliver Valentine. No idea who he is yet, but I'm certain that's his name, and I bonded with him INSTANTLY.

He is the Fairyland Littlefee Little Bear Bisou fullset, including outfit, shoes, wig, sleeping faceplate and faceup on both faces. Also there was a little engraved gold plate with his photo. I made out like a bandit.

More photos or whatever later. :) I need to go eat and maybe sew. Maybe.. e_e;;

Ringo-Rorek room.

2011-02-13T10:24:00.001-05:00

Okay so I posted a photo of just my bed, but I wanted to show what the whole room looks like, so I took some new photos this morning.

The other bed is Ringo's obviously, and the suitcase visible is his Grandma's. She's visiting for a few days for his birthday.

These photos are mostly for the benefit of Wotan, who knows what this room looked like before.

The bed is done, long live the bed!

2011-02-12T10:53:00.001-05:00

So yesterday was Ringo's (Osaka and Pherret's son) birthday. He's been sick all through it, the poor thing. He'd about lost his voice from coughing by 3pm, and barely had the energy to eat dinner or open his presents.

Yesterday was also my first day off since I got my bed shipped. Osaka and Ringo worked on getting Ringo's room all cleaned up and organized so we could put it together. Yesterday we assembled it, Osaka and I. We started about noon, and finished close to seven I think. I left for about two hours around four, to ship off my Piccolo to his new owner, and to pick up dinner for Ringo, and the rest of us.

When dinner was done, and the bed was assembled, I shifted the majority of my things from where they had been, to all the storage under the bed. :] I also got my bookshelf in order, and cleared up one more storage tote.

I'm pretty pleased with how it all turned out, and there is still room in the room for Ringo and me to move around and do stuff.

In regards to the Piccolo, I ended up trading him for a fullset Little Bear Bisou, with faceup, and faceupped sleeping faceplate. So, I'll still have a sleepy-eyed doll, but he can be openeyed too, and I have the littlefee boy I've been wanting since I got Sarabelle. The posing on those tinies is just incredible!

Health Care Reform My Left Foot

2011-02-09T21:50:00.002-05:00

I just got a letter from my HMO. I effectively have no coverage for prescriptions. Most of my medical cost is prescriptions. I am full of rage, and lack the words to articulate said rage. Thank you Health Care Reform.

Letter as follows:

The Affordable Care Act prohibits health plans from applying arbitrary dollar limits for coverage for key benefits. This year, if a plan applies a dollar limit on the coverage it provides for key benefits in a year, that limit must be at least $750,000.

Your health insurance coverage, offered by Aetna Life Insurance Company, does not meet the minimum standards required by the Affordable Care Aft described above. Instead, it puts a coverage year limit of:

Most this plan will pay per month for prescriptions $35

Benefits stated below are paid per coverage year and held to the Usual and Customary Charges.
Out of Area Benefits are paid the same as In Network Benefits under this Plan.
In network deductible: $100
Out of network deductible: $200
Plan pays in network expenses at: 80%
Plan pays out of network expenses at: 60%
Maximum Benefit paid: $10000
Coverage Year Maximums applied to the Maximum Benefit stated above:
Outpatient Expenses limited to: $1000
Emergency Room Expenses limited to: $600
(applies to the Outpatient Expenses limit)
Hospital Services (other than Room & Board) limited to: $1000
Outpatient Office Visits:
$15 per visit copay/base deductible (in or out of network)
In network visits are paid at 100%; out of network at 50%.
Outpatient office visits are subject to the outpatient expense coverage year limit of $1000 and the $10000 coverage year Maximum Benefits.
Wellness Benefit:
$15 per visit to an in network provider
Plan pays 100% for an in network/50% for out of network
Coverage Year Maximum: $200

In order to apply the lower limites described above, your health plan requested a waiver of the requirement that coverage for key benefits be at least $750000 in coverage for key benefits this year would result in a significant increase in your premiums or a significant decrease in your access to benefits. This waiver is valid for one year.

If the lower limits are a concern, there may be other options for health care coverage available to you and your family members. For more information, to to:
www.HealthCare.gov

If you have any questions or concerns about this notice, contact (MY PLAN) at (THEIR NUMBER).

Some states offer a Consumer Assistance Program to help you better understand your health care coverage options. For more information, please go to:
http://www.healthcare.gove/news/factsheets/capgrants_states.html

I pay $60 every two weeks, for this coverage. A reasonable rate for what the plan used to be. It used to cover way more prescription costs. I don't have the info handy on what that used to be.

I bought my bed.

2011-02-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

Doo dee doo dee doo. So today my tax return deposited, as well as my normal paycheck. I ordered the bed I'd been looking at, online, bought a mattress locally, and did some other shopping. I got some sheets, a duvet, and DC Universe Online. I also bought Guitar Heroes 2 and 3 because they were used, for $3 apiece. And, I bought some much needed shoes.

My Vans that I bought back in early October, have been split on a side seam for awhile, and I keep gluing them closed again. They broke in quickly and broke apart quickly as a result. I purchased a pair of Sketchers athletic shoes specifically for working out, and a new pair of Vans for general use. I still need or want to get work boots, so I quit breaking my shoes on those cement floors.

So that's new bed ordered and paid for, including the mattress, sheets for it, a duvet, shoes, a couple videogames, and a GREAT afternoon out with the BFF Osaka.

I still need to do the math and decide whether or not I'm ordering Arvid, but, I'm hoping to be able to do so. I'm not going to be unreasonable though. I'll see what I have to work with, when my next check deposits on the 18th, and I won't spend anything I don't absolutely need to, between now and then.

This is the bed I ordered, by the way:

It's slated to arrive between the 10th and the 14th, and I had it shipped directly here. Over the weekend and into the next week, we'll sort through Ringo's room and determine what of his and my stuff will go into storage to make room for the bed. I think he and I are both excited to share space. :]

FS: Sweet Dream Piccolo

2011-01-31T20:56:00.001-05:00

Okay, I put up a sales post for Piccolo over on Den of Angels. Please, pass it on, if you could. Man, that pain in the ass Osaka kept nagging me! Nag nag, what a harpy! I jest, she just gently reminded me... alot. (Only in the last few days)

I know I'm neurotic, but this is just silly.

2011-01-30T00:35:00.000-05:00

So I was encouraged by Osaka, to voice one of my irrational fears. As many of you are aware, I've been staying with Osaka and Pherret and their son Ringo, since Nick kicked me out, minus a 9 month period where I went back to Texas. It's been like three years now I think, not counting those 9 months. In April I think it will be three years, minus from October 2008 to June 2009.

Anyway for this time I've been sleeping on the couch in their living room, since they have a 2 bedroom apartment, and the second bedroom is their son's room. We've talked about me sharing a room with Ringo since a bit before I came back, but I've just not gotten the furniture, or really looked into a storage unit, as I need to do.

I placed the reason I've been so hesitent to buy a bed, and it is the most irrational fear I think I've ever experienced. I'm afraid that if I buy furniture I will end up homeless. Not because I think Osaka and Pherret will kick me out, or anything like that. I'm just convinced that if I buy furniture I will end up homeless. I'll have spent money on something big I can't take with me, and can't easily store.

And, if there's anything I hate, it's spending money on something I can't use. I recognize that purchasing a bed (or desk, chair, bookshelf, etc) is not going to automatically cause me to become homeless, and that it's a CRAZY fear, but it's totally why I haven't bought a bed.

I could have, with my tax return last year, but my laptop was dying, and it made sense to invest in a replacement, (and also that's portable) and I can justify buying dolls somehow, but I just.. I'm scared to buy furniture.

This year I am going to do it. I will buy my bed, and a mattress, sheets, etc, and then I will use the remainder of my tax return for a downpayment on Arvid, because I would still like him, and I can justify him better if I also do something responsible with the other portion of my return.

Now as for what triggered this weird fear, I suspect it's because when Nick and I were discussing our divorce terms, he told me I could take the furniture. I liked the furniture but there was no way I could take it with me. Mainly because I had nowhere to PUT it, since he had kicked me out on my ass. If I had been employed, found my own apartment etc, I doubt I would now be experiencing this irrational fear at the thought of buying a bed.

But, that's where I am. I have an irrational fear of buying furniture.

Change of plans.. maybe.

2011-01-28T22:36:00.001-05:00

So ya'll remember how I was fussing about Volks not having Kanata in stock? It may well be a moot point. I am sorely tempted by Iplehouse Special Edition Arvid (in light brown).

I did a mock order, and I could just cover it, with an outfit (not THE outfit) in the light brown resin, with my tax return. If I got him in basic skin nude, it'd be cheaper, but if I want him, I want him in that gorgeous dark tan resin.

I kind of want to make him my exotic tan silver fox. Cause that'd be totally hot. Maybe with a faceup by Lyn. Assuming that is, that she's still taking commissions openly when he does eventually arrive. Cause damn does she do good work with Iplehouse boys.

I really want to get Robbie put together, but basic SD10 boys aren't going anywhere, and neither is he. Arvid on the other hand, is limited edition, and I wouldn't want him in normal skin.

I've had a hard time resisting Iplehouse, because I knew I wanted an EID but they just hadn't made the right one for me yet. Well, now they have. The perfect balance of pretty, manly, and sexy.

I'm not completely sold just yet, but we'll see if I'm still this hooked in about a week when my tax return is supposed to hit.

Volks Kanata, or the lack thereof.

2011-01-27T00:57:00.000-05:00

I'm annoyed. I was planning to purchase Volks Kanata direct from Volks USA, for Robbie's body, and make a Kanata girl with the extra head, or something. I don't know.

I took a look on Den of Angels for just SD10 bodies, but they're all old skin, except for one but she won't ship to the US. e_e;

My tax return is slated to hit my account on February 4th, so assuming that is correct, I can buy Robbie's body like same day. Anyone know anyone reputable selling a UVcut Normalskin SD10 boy body? I could just buy a Mark, but I don't like that head, and I don't want to mess with selling a head I don't want.

I am willing to pay a reasonable amount, seeing as I was gonna buy a full doll and I don't need/want the head. So please if you or anyone you know, is trying to re-home an SD10 boy body, Uv-cut normal skin, please let me know.

Shaving and skin care.

2011-01-23T21:47:00.000-05:00

So since I've been shaving, I've been having to learn lots of little things to get good results. My current shaving routine is to wait until the stubble is about 3/8 inch and then shave before work. That usually consists of my splashing some water on my face, applying shaving cream, and doing a quick job. Unsurprisingly this results in razor burn, and some ingrown hairs. So, I consulted some of my male co-workers about their methods, and purchased a pre-shave scrub, and aftershave + moisturizer. They're part of the Gillette Fusion line.

This morning after my shower, I got dressed, took my vitamins, and had some breakfast. Then after about a half hour the mirror was no longer steamed up, so I went back to shave. I splashed some warm water on my face, used the pre-scrub, and rinsed thoroughly, as indicated on the packaging. Then I applied my shaving cream, shaved rather the same as I usually do, careful strokes, rinsing the blade between passes. Then I again, rinsed my face, and applied the aftershave + moisturizer. My skin looks great now. I'm wondering if the razor burn and break outs I've had, have been because I haven't using a moisturizer.

I am well pleased with my results so far. I still need to get a good razor, rather than using average disposable ones (schick xtreme 3), but I'm not ready to commit to that yet. I know when I do, I will need to get a good one, and I don't really have the money to plunk down on an electric razor yet.

I'm amused because I was pleased with my shave, enough that I bothered to put product in my hair and style it. I haven't been styling my hair for awhile, enough so that I gave up the mohawk, and went back to a standard short haircut. I stopped a bit after I bleached my mohawk because it was cut in a way it looked fine down too, so I just didn't bother. Plus the weather's gotten cold enough I'm wearing hats on a somewhat regular basis.

Anyway I took a picture this morning before work, after I shaved and styled my hair.

And just for my own reference for later, I'm at 22 weeks on testosterone.

I filed my taxes!

2011-01-21T23:08:00.001-05:00

I did my taxes~! Turbotax had their deluxe package for only $20 so I went with that, imported last year's info, and went from there.

From my 2010 records I spent $505 on prescriptions. I've also paid about $300 after medical insurance, for my various doctor's visits and medical tests.

In addition, I have $10 extra withheld from each paycheck, for federal taxes, so that I never owe, and I can always be guarenteed a tax return (however small). I may up that at some point, but that, with my income, and various tax credits, got me a respectable return for 2010.

In doing the deluxe version of Turbotax, several things were brought to my attention. I can deduct every dollar I pay on prescriptions, or out of pocket medical expenses, including copays, if they accrue to more than $901, because I am a Virginia resident. Mine added up to like $885, from prescriptions, copays, and the medical tests not fully covered under my insurance.

I didn't do a great job about keeping receipts for my prescriptions or the medical bills, but I'm already setting that stuff aside for 2011. I will no doubt meet the criteria for that deduction this year.

Plans for the tax return this year, are A, a body for Robbie my school C head, and B, a bed for myself. I have one in mind and if I can get Piccolo sold, I can do both comfortably.

Speaking of which, I took sales photos today. I'll post those up with the info on LJ in a bit, and if there is no interest in my friendslist, then I'll post to DOA.

Today I also refilled prescriptions for both inhalors, my thyroid med, and dropped off my prescription (that needs to be re-verified) for testosterone. I haven't met the deductable for the year yet, so I spent $185 on prescriptions. After I've met the deductable it'll be lower. I don't remember what mine is though, so I don't know what I owe yet for the testosterone.

And WAY over-due I mailed out a gift to my Ravelry friend TricotChico. I had it ready awhile back, but no internet so I couldn't access Ravelry for his mailing address. I was supposed to send it out like, in October. e_e;; It was meant to be a welcoming gift for his Yo-SD. Now it's just ..free stuff, way late. I hope he likes it anyway.

An interesting surprise.

2011-01-19T01:24:00.000-05:00

I got an interesting e-mail out of the blue today. I didn't check my e-mail (or go online at all) before work. I generally do, after I get dressed for work, but before I leave for the bus-stop, but I was ranting and raving this morning.

So, when I got home from work I checked my e-mail, not expecting much, maybe a comment on livejournal, or the familyblog, and found an e-mail from Nick. As in, my ex-husband.

And, what really surprised me, is that it was an apology. From the wording, a heartfelt, genuine apology, for several different events from the period of our joint life. It was totally out of the blue, and I'm amazed, both at the apology, and at my reaction.

I don't feel angry, suspicious, or any of the things I might have felt at seeing that in my inbox a year or more ago. I don't know his intention, but I responded. I asked what brought it on, and I asked him about his daughter, and the fate of the cats that we had, since I don't know. If he responds, I may ask further questions, but I feel only curiousity, no anger, no suspicion at the moment.

Today has been amazing for communication. I had a much needed conversation with Pherret, regarding the tension in the apartment, and I feel that we communicated well. Things have been a bit tense since Christmas, due to multiple circumstances, and I think things will slowly start to get better from here, and at least now I know why he was reacting to things the way he was, and I can handle that.

I feel a ton better after that talk, and kind of hyper after reading the e-mail from Nick. It has me thinking a million miles a minute. I'm genuinely curious about how he's doing, and the idea of finding out, doesn't hurt now. I hope he's well, and if I hear nothing more, I will continue to wish him well.

I am happier today, than I was yesterday, happier than I was last year, happier than I've been in awhile. I feel sane. I feel like maybe I'm making some progress in my life, even though there aren't alot of visible (to myself) changes.

I've changed my diet, my weight, my attitude, and I'm feeling the results, even with fighting a cold or allergies or whatever this is.

Despite being off my thyroid medicine for a day or two, and my advair (till Friday when I get paid and can refill them), I feel pretty well. My anxiety comes and goes, but physically, I'm in the best shape, I've been in almost a decade. Psychologically I'm doing much better too.

It feels so good to be honest, to not have to worry about secrets, or lying. Because, to me, huge secrets, feel the same as lying. I don't have anything hidden under that hat anymore.

I feel whole. Even with quite a ways to go transition-wise, I feel whole. I feel good.

I don't know what I can do.

2011-01-16T17:30:00.000-05:00

I've been in a funk for several days now. I've not been sleeping well, been worried about work, worried about money, fretting over dolls, etc.

I want to sell some of my dolls, but I can't get past the needing to take sales photos part. I start to get things set up for photos and start fretting. I'm worried my doll(s) will go to some idiot who will sharpie-faceup them. I'm worried they'll get tarted up and paired off with SD or larger dolls. It seems silly to worry about that when I obviously don't want them anymore, but I still care about them. I just feel guilty that I am not enjoying them as much as I enjoy my other dolls.

I have fourteen dolls, if you include my two SD heads, and my Byuri who is paid off, but undelivered. I play with Sarabelle, Ichigo, Starshine, Moonbeam, Doran, Robbie, and sometimes Christopher Owen and Émile. If I sold all the dolls but the ones I play with REGULARLY, I'd only keep Ichigo, Sarabelle, Starshine, Doran, and my incoming Byuri.

I love my other dolls, but some of them are strongly intertwined with negative memories. I can't bond with my Sweet Dream Piccolo for the life of me, and my Customhouse Uranus has given me similar problems. Pairing him up as a sibling for Sarabelle has helped, but I just.. I associate those two (and my Tinatsu to a point) with Nick and Brittany, much to my frustration. Then there's Jessie, my Narsha. I like her, and I like the sculpt, but I wanted a BOY!Narsha. She's very charming, and she's mine, but.. I don't play with her, or really have any developed character or story for her, the way I do my other dolls.

My Souldoll Lune head? I've had him since very shortly into my separation from Nick, and I still don't know who he is, or what I want to do with him. I don't want to sell him because he's irreplaceable. So is Customhouse Uranus. And, I tried selling my Piccolo once before (to Brittany) and regretted that within a two month period.

I'm really frustrated, because I want the ones I can't love, to go where they will be loved, but I don't have faith in the Den of Angels population. I don't want to see them ignored, abused, but I'm certainly not enjoying or playing with them.

Buying Byuri lit a fire under me, inspiration-wise. I want to buy more dolls this year, for characters attached to my, and Osaka's characters. I want to play with my dolls, sew for them, draw them, photograph them. That's how I love mine. I love to dress them, sew new clothes, take pictures, draw them, and just hold them and pose them. I wish I loved all the ones I've brought home, that much, but I don't.

There are some that are too precious to me to ever be able to sell, but I can't play with them either. I want to be able to play with all my dolls. I've had Piccolo boxed up for months, waiting to take sales photos, but I don't want to see him go. I can't bond with him, I can't make a character stick, but I can't see him go somewhere he'll likewise not be played with, or worse.

And that's just my fretting over the dolls.. I've been really wound up tight for seriously about a week, and I don't know how to cut loose.

I was really looking forward to today and tomorrow because I have both days off, but everyone is home, which means I have to deal with tension at the house, because we all get under each other's feet, and therefore skin, in short order. It'd be fine if it were just me and Osaka, or us plus Ringo, but when you bring Pherret into the mix, just the amount of people (plus dogs) is enough that we all get stressed. The tension is driving me crazy.

Homesick?

2011-01-12T02:18:00.001-05:00

I feel kind of isolated. It seems like every time I try and talk to my mom lately, I either end up posting on her Facebook wall, or leaving a voicemail. I don't think I've actually spoken to her, voice to voice, in several weeks. And while that's not really unusual for me (I don't talk to my family frequently, never have) lately I've been trying to make a real concerted effort to stay connected to my family.

I took it for granted that they wouldn't want anything to do with me, if I transitioned, and now that I'm out, and they are still talking to me, I'm really trying to make an effort. I feel like my poor decision to stay closeted, fueled by fear, has caused me to miss out on years of theoretical love and acceptance.

I want to prove that I'm worth it. I want to show that there's a reason I was blindly clinging to the ideal of family despite differences and crippling fear. I love them. I may not agree with them, but I do love them.

There are plenty of closet skeletons, plenty of shame, upsetting stories, but there is also unfathomable love. I think for every sad or painful memory, if pressed, I could come up with a good one or two. There were times it was more in favor, or times it was unpleasant, but it would be dishonest to imply that it's all bad.

I think we all view our family in a very skewed way. I probably remember things a bit tainted, sometimes bitter, sometimes nicer than things may have been. My perspective is colored by time, circumstances that I can't remember clearly, revelations from family members, years after the fact.

I find myself homesick, not for Texas per se, but for spending time with my siblings, as adults. Not all at the same time, because that just doesn't seem to go well, but one or two at a time, I think I could handle, and vice versa. I can't say as I really spent much time with my siblings when we were kids. We fought alot, but every once in awhile, when it was just one or two of us, we would do something fun together.

I want to repeat that experience. I don't know that there's anything the five of us like to do aside from sing, but even that would be fine. I just want the opportunity to really get to know my family, as an adult.. Because I sure didn't as a kid. I was a selfish jerk.

Ten days of whatever. Day Ten.

2011-01-09T02:06:00.001-05:00

Day Ten: (One confession)

I know, I'm several hours late, and it's bled into the next day.

I really didn't want to this one, but I feel obligated. I did the rest of it. I don't really have anything to confess. I got the biggest darkest secret off my chest over the summer. I came out to my family as a transexual, announced my intent to transition, and took it from there.

I was convinced my family was going to disown me. That's why I waited so long. I didn't want to lose them. I may not see eye-to-eye with my family all the time (specific members rather than in general) but I do love them, and they are very important to me, differences aside.

If my family had chosen to cease all contact with me, the way I expected them to, I would have moved forward in a different way. Yes, I would have been devastated, but I was expecting it, so I had a plan.

I chose a name, ages ago, when I expected the worst. I was going to be Rorek Gabriel Wolfe. Not because I dislike my name, but because if my family wanted nothing to do with me, keeping the family name would have been a constant painful reminder of my past.

I love my name. Choosing a new alternate name was a difficult choice, and as it turns out, irrelivant. I will keep my first and last name (and initials), and change my middle name, from Marie to Matthew. That's it. A simple change, still connected to family, still recognizable to all the places that keep track of me (government, banks, etc).

It's a poor confession, but it's the only deep dark secret I had.

Ten days of whatever. Day Nine.

2011-01-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

Day Nine: (Two images that describe your life right now, and why)

My life feels like a perpetual project in process. I'm always working on something, and it when it seems like I've finished it, I realize there's so much more to do. I have partially finished craft projects, half-finished drawings, half-finished dolls, and half-finished me. It's kind of depressing some of the time, but it's what's normal for me, and it's kind of a comfort that it's something that will always be the same. I'm ever making progress, but there will always be more to do.

Similarly I frequently feel that I'm sliding or skating in multiple directions, within a hair of falling and skinning my knees. The more I flail (emotionally/psychologically) the more I feel that I'm going to fly off out of control in an unknown direction.

Ten days of whatever. Day Eight.

2011-01-06T22:58:00.001-05:00

I don't know how comfortable I am posting my turn-ons publicly. ..but it's part of the meme, so there you go.

Day Eight: (Three turn-ons)

1. Hairpulling. It's very easy to do it wrong, and I have a very sensitive scalp, so generally I flinch when anyone goes near my hair. It took me a long time to get comfortable even letting hairdressers cut my hair.

2. Biting. Again, very easy to get it wrong. It's not about pain. I don't generally even tell people about it, because of how easy it is to do wrong.

3. Bratty guys. It has the be the right kind of brattiness. Not like a little kid being awful, it's hard to explain.

Ten days of whatever. Day Seven

2011-01-05T22:54:00.000-05:00

Day Seven: (Four turn-offs)

1. Particular curse words. Sailors don't generally make me blush, and I can hear alot without being bothered but there are some very specific words that get under my skin.

2. Being overly aggressive. I don't mind someone who is confident or sure of themselves, but don't be pushy or bossy.

3. Asking me to do something far past my point of comfort. I'm an adult. I am willing to step slightly out of my comfort zone, however, I expect my limits to be respected.

4. Disrespect in general. If you don't respect me, then why would you expect me to respect or listen to you?

Ten days of whatever. Day Six.

2011-01-04T22:32:00.001-05:00

If you aren't listed, it's only because it's a list of five. There are many more of you who mean alot to me, and you know it. *hugs*

Day Six: (Five people who mean a lot, in no order whatsoever)

1. Steve - We have so much in common, and we've been through many of the same things, but we're different enough we work well as good friends.

2. Faythe (Nekokoi) - You know me better than anyone else in the world. You know me, and you even like me. That's precious to me.

3. Christy - You are my best friend. You've helped me through some really rough things, been there for some really awesome things, and just about everything in between. I see our friendship being a lifetime thing, growing and changing with us.

4. Alison - We've never actually hung out (yet), but I think we know each other pretty well, and I know I can trust and depend on you. You've been there for me when I needed you, and you still talk to me even when I sound crazy. You're awesome.

5. Mom - I know we have our differences, but you have to admit we have lots in common too. There is more of you in me, than I can easily see of Dad. I'm not ashamed. I love you, and I'm proud to be your child, no matter what.

Ten days of whatever. Day Five.

2011-01-03T21:15:00.001-05:00

This one was hard for me, because I do have regrets, but those decisions have shaped me into the person I am today, and overall, I like who I am, so I recognize how important these decisions were in the grand scheme of my growth as a person.

Day Five: (Six things you wish you'd never done)

1. I wish I hadn't gotten married at 19, for the stupid reasons I did. I was not motivated by love, but by desperation.

2. I wish I hadn't made the choice to stick it out, when I knew our marriage was over at 6 months. There were real, good reasons it couldn't work, and they were the ultimate undoing of us.

3. I shouldn't have kept my biggest secret to myself, and tried to deny and ignore it when I realized it. It made me paranoid, depressed, and I felt ashamed.

4. I wish I'd had the strength and confidence to tell Nick off when he let his family talk down to me, and say awful things about and to me. There is no reason anyone should have to put up with that kind of emotional abuse. So to phrase it appropriately, I wish I'd hadn't let people walk all over me.

5. I wish I had been strong enough to come out to my family when I was living in the same state as them. I was scared for no good reason. I was terrified of being shunned, abandoned.

6. I wish I hadn't decided to ignore my discovery, for the reasons I did. I was trying to be a decent person, I can say, but honestly I was just scared. I can't say I'd be the same if I had moved forward with transition at age 20, but I'd be further along, I suspect. It's hard to say.

Ten days of whatever. Day Four.

2011-01-02T20:47:00.002-05:00

Day Four: (Seven things that cross your mind alot)

1. Sewing. Anymore, I'm almost always thinking about my next sewing project. I have all these ideas and designs in mind, and so little time and resource to do them all, so I'm constantly refining and re-tooling my ideas to stuff I can do and be happy with.

2. Dolls props I can't go anywhere without seeing things I can adapt to be used for dolls, or stuff that's already perfectly to scale for my dolls.

3. Dolls themselves. I'm frequently found looking through doll sites for my next purchase. Not necessarily because I want tons of dolls, but because I love to look at them and think about what sculpts work for what sort of personalities I want to embody.

4. Pokemon. I know I'm 27, and still play Pokemon, but I'm okay with that. :] I look forward to each new game release and pretty much buy them all, where you raise, train etc. Not the other kinds.

5. Chocobos! I've been playing Chocobo Crystal Towers on facebook for about 2 weeks, and now that several friends are playing it, it's even more fun and it's totally on my mind. Faythe and I even have a breeding program in place for superior chocobos. XD

6. Medical disorders. I have some diagnosed medical conditions that are sometimes indicative of more severe disorders. I don't WANT to have those disorders, but I am aware of them, and what some of the other warning signs/symptoms are.

7. Bills. I'm constantly crunching numbers, trying to figure out which bill is next, when I will have money to play with, and what order I need to prioritize my bills and expenses. It's on my mind all the time.

Ten days of whatever. Day Three.

2011-01-01T23:29:00.001-05:00

Day Three: (Eight ways to win your heart)

1. Make me laugh, consistently.

2. Be honest. There is nothing in the world that will alienate me faster than dishonesty.

3. Common interests. You can't really fake that. If you're passionate about the same things as me, it's easier to have a pleasant conversation.

4. Don't think I'm weird. At least, not in a bad way. If you like me for who I am, we'll make awesome friends.

5. Really listen to me. I know I talk alot, but communication is important, and I do really listen back.

6. Respect my boundaries. I am very physically affectionate, but there are things I really don't like, that are easy to do on accident when you're trying to be physically affectionate.

7. Don't try dirty talk. Ever. It just makes me feel like you don't respect me.

8. Play videogames with me. :] Or even just watch me or vice versa. I love that. It's a nice way to spend time together.

Ten days of whatever. Day Two.

2010-12-31T23:50:00.002-05:00

I've felt sick all day. I've been fighting a headache, light sensitivity, nausea, and actually got sick an hour or two ago. No idea what triggered it. It definitely colored my answers for today's portion of the meme.

Day Two: (Nine things about yourself)

1. I have very sensitive hearing, but have a hard time translating speech. I tend to read lips to make sure I'm translating what I hear correctly.

2. I come across as cocky and vain sometimes, (probably alot of the time) but I'm really pretty sensitive, and nervous. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder.

3. I have a sensitive stomach. When I stress, it generally manifests as nausea, or abdominal discomfort in general.

4. I didn't have a real interest in dating or anything associated with dating until I was about 16 1/2. I had a boyfriend or two but it never really meant much.

5. It took me most of my life to realise the most obvious thing about me was real, and not imagined. It took me another 6 years or so to do anything about it.

6. I'm terrified of abandonment. It's my biggest fear, and I get nervous anytime someone is late or doesn't show up and is unable to tell me. The fear tends to escalate starting from a half hour before the appointed time.

7. I suffer from migraines. It's inconsistent, and I don't really know what triggers them, or how to prevent them.

8. I tend to re-phrase the same thing when I'm trying to explain my thoughts. I don't feel understood most of the time, and I struggle to make things as clear as I can, to overcome my own problems with communication. I worry that my being repetative makes me annoying.

9. I pretty much worry 90% of the time. The other 10% I actually feel confident and sure.

Ten days of whatever.

2010-12-30T23:37:00.001-05:00

Doing this to get back into posting frequently. :]

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day One:

1. We don't talk all the time, but you are always there, supportive and sweet, whenever I do need you, and I'm always happy to be the same for you. You're awesome personified.

2. I know you're going through something rough, that I really can't identify with, and I wish I knew what I could do to be of help. I love you dearly, and I want to help, and I feel a bit foolish for not having experienced anything similar enough to quite understand what you might be feeling.

3. I miss you. I wish you were here right now. I feel lost without you here with me. I shouldn't depend on you so heavily, and I feel guilty as hell about it.

4. I frequently wish you and I lived close again. I forget how awesome we are together until we do hang out, and then it's never for long enough. Stay awesome, and I will too, and next time we are together we'll blow everyones' minds.

5. I kind of wonder how much I can trust you, but I tentatively am pursuing a friendship. Please don't burn me because I've shared secrets and I don't know you that well yet.

6. I wish that you still worked with me. I don't really see us hanging out much anymore, because our interests don't overlap much, and that makes me a bit sad. You're smart, talented, and most of the time, very pleasant to spend time with.

7. I have mixed feelings about you. I don't believe the gossip, but I do wonder what exactly you did that warranted being walked out by security in the middle of the week. I want to ask you, but I really don't want to rub salt in the wound. You pissed alot of people off, but you were never really awful to me.

8. I wish we could hang out. I think you're probably a really awesome person, but I know I'm not allowed to get to know you like that. I wonder about you.

9. I will never ever forgive you. No passing of time will ever lessen my anger. You are unforgivable. I don't wish you fatal harm, but I would be hard-pressed not to repeatedly hit you if given the opportunity.

10. I wish you could admit to yourself that you are wrong. Ever. I love you, you're a great friend. However, you need to be able to admit that you can sometimes be wrong, if you're ever going to get your life together. No one is right all the time. Not me, not you, not anyone.

White Christmas!

2010-12-27T23:17:00.001-05:00

So, I had my first ever white Christmas this year. :] It was kind of cool. Osaka, Pherret, and Ringo are out of state visiting their families for the holidays, so it's just me, and one of their dogs, Sadie. Christmas Eve was kind of lonely, but Christmas day was really great. I spent it with one of my co-workers Sam, whom I go to the bar with on a somewhat regular occasion. She invited me over a week ago, and I'm glad for it. She had lots of friends over, all of whom I had met on previous occasions at the bar, or at her place, so I felt very comfortable.

Then it snowed. Quite a bit actually. In our apartment complex we had over a foot on the ground. I took photos. None with the dolls, but still:

For southern Virginia, a foot of snow is pretty much unheard of. I worked Sunday the 26th (yesterday), and we actually closed early because of the blizzard conditions, which Home Depot doesn't generally do.

Today the buses weren't running because of how bad the roads still were, so I had to call in cause it's about a 2 1/2 - 3 mile walk to work. A co-worker gave me a ride later in the day, thank goodness, so I was able to salvage some of my shift. As of this evening the buses are running again, at least for most of the routes. The ones I take to work, are up again, so I'm set.

Snow in the (technical) south is always an adventure. At least it's less ridiculous to shut down over snow here, cause.. it was like a foot of snow in an 18 hour period, roughly. It always boggled my mind when a half inch of snow shut down everything in North Texas. Ah well. C'est la vie.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

2010-12-24T13:19:00.000-05:00

Hmmn, I think I need to update my icons for LJ. I don't have many, and most of them are outdated. e_e;;

I've fallen hard for Iplehouse dolls. I have plans for several but just haven't succumbed.. until now. I ordered their new tiny, Byuri, in real skin. He's beautiful. He'll be my first Iplehouse doll, and my first tan doll. I've ordered him with makeup and this outfit (everything but the shoes, including that wig):

He should look almost exactly as in the above picture, but I'm giving him pale grey eyes instead.

And I've also ordered this hat, because it is precious, and I love it.

I'm doing it as a short layaway. I placed the order and sent half the payment today, and I'll finish paying him off on January 7th when I get paid again.

He's pretty much my Christmas present to myself. I was really nervous about ordering because I haven't ordered from Iplehouse before, but I get nervous like that every time I buy a doll. I've heard nothing but love from my friends and family who have Iplehouse dolls, and I WANT MORE.

I fully intend to order an SID Storm at some point in 2011, probably in mid-late summer, to be Marek, Robbie's partner. And I do want a JID Ryan eventually, in real skin.

I really love Iplehouse, and the realistic sculpts they make. I know Byuri may look a little strange next to my more stylized sculpts, but I'm excited none-the-less.

Currently he's nameless, but I'm considering naming him Ezekial (Zeke for short), or Samson. Nothing is set but I want him to have a very grown up sort of name, which is kind of a theme for me I guess.

Doll news aside, there isn't a ton going on. Osaka, Pherret, and Ringo have gone home to Tennessee and Kentucky to spend Christmas with their families. I've stayed here, with one of the dogs, since I didn't ask off for Christmas. Maybe I will next year.

It's going to be a quiet Christmas I think. I'll call my family when they're all together, and chat a bit, and then I'll spend the day with a co-worker who's invited me over for Christmas day. It should be nice. :]

My creative juices are flowing! ..despite the persistent fever.

2010-12-17T20:13:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm right at 17 weeks on Testosterone, I think, going on my last entry, which puts me at 4 months or so.

I've failed to keep a great account of week to week, since I lost my internet access awhile back. That won't be a problem now, though, cause we have internet! Like, actual internet, not a pirated signal.

Osaka set it up earlier in the week and the service kicked in today. :] I'm beyond thrilled. It will probably take me several weeks to get back into the swing of being social online.

My anxiety has been alot better. I still can get antsy around the time of my shot (and did this week) but not anywhere near as frequently.

Also I've been fighting a fever + infection for like a week and a half now. The fever waxes and wanes in intensity. My doctor initially thought strep, but that came up negative. I was apprehensive anyway since I know I've been exposed to strep dozens of times but I've never contracted it.

So I went back to my clinic to get the results of the tests, as they also checked my thyroid levels to see if maybe my dosage was too high at this point. My levels are right where they should be with my medicine, and so I got refills on that, and a prescription for azithromycin to clear up whatever infection I'm fighting, since if it was going to go away on its own, it would have by now. Incidentally, the first time in my life, I've EVER taken an antibiotic, to my knowledge.

I'm also knitting again (ABRUPT change of subject is ABRUPT). I've started a sweater for Starshine. :] It's brown with bits of his signature blue striped in it. I'm not working from any particular pattern. I'm kind of inventing as I go, and so far I like what I have.

Oh and I bought myself a sewing machine last month. It is my first sewing machine that is fully functional. I did buy an antique singer some time ago, that is non-functional, with dreams of getting it repaired, and I still have it, because it is pretty and someday I want to get it working again. So, I've been somewhat busy while I've been offline.

I got the Head Cashier position and have been doing very well with that. I get along well with 99% of my co-workers, which is nice. The one person I really have issue with, will be gone in a week anyway, so I'm just thrilled.

I've been playing alot of Guitar Hero, and aside from that, mainly just going to work and back. I've missed the internet, and I'm just SO happy to have it again. :]

I hope everyone is doing well, and if I've missed anything in the last several months please do fill me in.

And, just cause I've not posted photos in a bit:

I love spending my days with my BFF.

2010-11-12T17:15:00.000-05:00

So today has been a nice day. I went to IHOP for lunch with Osaka and Ringo, then over to Michaels, and poked around in the mall too. I got some new anti-bacterial lotion to keep on hand at work, from Bath and Body Works, my classic Vanilla bean, and a Peppermint candy scented one too.

It's been a pretty mellow day, seriously for the first time in a very long time. Right now I'm sitting quietly in a book store, enjoying a caramel macchiato, and the company of my best friend. I wish I had more days that were like this.

So much of the time it's constant something from the moment I wake up, to the time I finally go to sleep. Other days it's nothing and I'm frantic to do something. Today has been a nice slow marginally productive day, and exactly what I've needed.

I've enjoyed the shopping. I picked up a book on Knitting for Men, mainly for the patterns. I was reading excerpts earlier to Osaka, mainly regarding female reactions to men reacting to knitwear made for them. I also picked up a collection of Sherlock Holmes Cinema, 8 films, and 35 episodes of an American series, for about $7. Also a copy of the original film The Producers, not the musical film based on the musical based on the film. XD

I've also picked up some tiny ceramic mugs about the right size for a large SD latte mug. I got a cat for Marek, and a Penguin for Robbie. Christian (Osaka's Link boy) got a gingerbread man mug.

I enjoy finding stuff like that, and I love that my best friend enjoys the finds too. It's nice having so many overlapping interests and hobbies, and I'm glad that we're still quite good friends, even after the weird stuff we've been through over the last nearly 5 years.

She and her husband took me in when things fell apart with Nick, and it has made our friendship stronger, really tried it at times, and proven its strength. When I get really anxious, I worry about that, but no matter what drama is or is not playing out, they continue to be good, and gracious friends.

I'm just being sentimental I guess, but I feel that I must voice my appreciation from time to time. Today has been such a nice day, it only seems right to voice it now. :]

Long overdue update.

2010-11-07T13:15:00.001-05:00

I had a nice sized entry going but my internet crapped out and I lost it. I've been without internet for about three and a half weeks, cause, as usual the signal I use, has either moved away or gone private. We're in the thinking it out process of plotting to get our own internet.

There's alot of stuff I've been meaning to post, but haven't gotten to. Among other things, I did get the Head Cashier position at Home Depot. I've been training for that on and off for a week and a half, when they can yank me from where I'm scheduled to be. This week starts me being on the official Head Cashier schedule, so I'm free to shadow as needed. Though, at this point, the only thing I'm really fuzzy on, is opening. I usually have closing shifts, and last night did most of that myself, as I finally have my keys, and my logins finally got shifted into thae system to have appropriate managerial access. It was awesome knowing what I needed to do, and actually being able to do it. I close on my own for the first time, Tuesday night I think. Facebook and twitter will hear about that right away. :P

This coincides actually with my sister Nekokoi, getting a new job with almost the same title/responsibilities, at the Michaels I worked at when I was 18. I thought that was pretty cool, and there is even one person there still, who worked there when I did.

In other stuff, I've been on T for about 11 weeks now. When I saw the doctor last (a few weeks ago) she changed my dose from 1/2ml every 2 weeks, to 1/4ml every week. That's helped with the aggression, anxiety, and acne, which were all getting really bad the first few days after my shots.

I shot a video last week I think, which I will try and post up soon. It was intended to document the changes to my voice and appearance, at the 10 week mark, and I'm sure I'll go back to it after awhile to compare it to my older video posts. I've not been great about taking photo evidence, as I had intended to.

I've been acting on my impulsive nature alot lately though. Some of it is compensating for feeling like I haven't done much with my life. In the last week I've been really just jumping on all my impulses, in an attempt to feel like I'm not just grinding my gears. So I'm blond again. I bleached my hair Wednesday night, I think, and went and got it trimmed Thursday before work, so I've got the blond mohawk again. It's short and fuzzy at any rate.

My weight has been shifting slowly too. There's alot less of me than there was three months ago, but some of it has just shifted around. Despite losing alot around my midsection, I have a definite doublechin now, much to my dismay. I had, about lost that.

I've been eating fairly healthy, and actually am actively trying to go to the gym a few times a week. I worked out on Friday, and have tentative plans to, again this evening, with one of my co-workers. I'm just looking to tone and slim down for now.

Lately I've not been playing with or sewing for the dolls as much. I'm chalking it up to being busy with work, and trying to be more social with co-workers for the moment. I've been getting together with some of them more often, and it's really nice. I haven't had local friends for awhile, aside from Osaka, and Pherret, whom I live with. I still love hanging with them, but it's nice to get out of the house in a different way sometimes.

And really I think that's everything. Alot has been going on, but I've not been great about keeping track of it all. e_e;;

Moonbeam has a faceup!

2010-09-11T22:44:00.000-04:00

I've been playing with my dolls more. I gave Moonbeam a faceup finally, yesterday. She needs her upper lashes put in, and maybe another layer of gloss on the lips, but I think I'm happy with how she turned out.

Also took photos of Ichigo! 8D

Adventures at the beach.

2010-08-27T20:00:00.001-04:00

We had adventures at the beach. And by adventures, I mean ADVENTURES.

The tide was going out, due to moon phasing, and the tropical storms off shore. The weather was GORGEOUS. We had our body boards, and we were having great fun. The waves started tossing us together a bit, and by the time we got untangled, we realised we'd gotten pulled out quite a bit. I couldn't touch down, Osaka couldn't touch down, and we both got a bit panicked.

There was a very strong swimmer, a boy, who was floating with us, and when we realised no one on the beach could hear our calls for help, we asked him to swim back and get Pherret. In the mean time we concentrated on breathing, kicking, and trying to stay aboard the boards, moving as strongly as we could toward the shore. It was terrifying, and I hope never to have to repeat the experience, because by the time my feet hit sand I was dizzy and breathing HARD. Over oxygenated, dizzy from the exertion, and flooded with adrenaline.

It seriously, was the hardest I've EVER swam, and while it turned out okay, it was very scary. Osaka and I were both in a panic, and I was stumbling through the surf once I could put my feet down, gasping, asking for my inhalor because I couldn't see straight. We both made it back to shore, Pherret ended up being able to, with the help of a borrowed body board, help pull Osaka back to the shallower water where she could stand.

We sat in the surf, for awhile after that, trying to come down. We both felt embarrassed, because while neither of us are strong swimmers, we are both smarter than that. We got distracted when we got tangled, and ended up drifting too far out, while the tide was pulling out. It was scary, and embarrassing, and we both felt we knew better.

I now know, that when really pushed, I CAN swim much better than I thought I could. I think, I still prefer to play in the shallows.

That said, we had an AWESOME time once we came down from that scare, and I found a completely intact sand dollar, with my toes, in the sand. Afterwards, I went and got my hair cut, since it's been too long and it had gotten shaggy and unkempt.

Photodump, Tiny picnic!

2010-08-19T23:39:00.001-04:00

Okay.. I took some photos of Sarabelle, within the last month, and her arrival in what was it, mid-june? Alot of photos actually. And I re-sized and uploaded them, but neglected to actually post them. So, enjoy this photodump.

The Suzuna, is Lorelei, who belongs to my BFF, Osaka. The Soom Hati, is Momo (I think? I'm a little fuzzy on her name atm, blame my sleepiness.) who belongs to Nekokoi, my sister. :3

Also BTW, Dr Laura is a crazy old bat. *is watching CNN*

And.. I need to sew more for her and Moonbeam (who has a body and needs a face-up).

Starshine Photos

2010-06-08T16:56:00.001-04:00

So.. the reason I've skipped posting for nearly a month is because I've been without regular internet access. That signal I was leeching off of, went private mid April, and I've been working such long hours at work lately, I've not had time to take the laptop out anywhere. Today was a day off, so I'm at a local restaurant that offers free internet access to its patrons.

Anyway, I'm just here to photo-dump. I got Starshine back from my buddy UnseelieQueen, who faceupped him and blushed his hooves and tail. I'm over the moon pleased with how he turned out, and if she's willing, I'll be commissioning her again. *hugs*

And that's all for now~! I still love ya'll and I'll catch up when I can. In the meantime, I can still check my facebook via my phone, so that's the best way to reach me if you need to.

Doran photos! Plus I broke my toe.

2010-04-15T22:30:00.000-04:00

I took photos of Doran today. :] I'm pretty pleased. I'm not GREAT at photographing white-skin dolls, but for the most part I haven't completely obliterated his features.

The last one is my desktop wallpaper now. :]

And in less pleasant news I discovered today that I had dislocated and broken my pinky toe on my left foot. I think I did it at work on Monday, cause I can remember slamming my foot hard, into several stationary things, on my way out. I didn't really discover it until today when I was out with Osaka. Tuesday I had a rather nasty migraine and didn't move much at all. Wednesday, I was quite ill still, and barely moved.

Today when I got home from adventures with my BFF, I realized I was in rather more than the usual foot pain, and discovered my toe was dislocated. I popped it back into place, and after feeling it further realized it was also broken. So.. yeah. I was moving around on a dislocated toe for 2 1/2 days, and didn't realize it because I ignore foot pain. My feet ALWAYS hurt. e_e;;

Doll Meme(s)

2010-04-14T19:05:00.003-04:00

I'm combining these two doll memes. :B The first (collage) was ganked from onnawufei, and the second, from angsty_os.

1. How many dolls do you have?
10 complete dolls, 2 heads.

2. What are their names?
Ro
Elli
Ichigo
Christopher Owen
Tater
Daniel
Elliot
Robbie
Jessie
Doran
Starshine
Moonbeam

3. What are their molds?
Dream of Doll Tender Yen
CustomHouse Mars for Valentine (2005)
Volks Ko-tenshi Tsubaki
Volks Yo-SD Tinatsu
Volks Yo-SD Piccolo (Sweet Dream)
CustomHouse Uranus
Souldoll Lune
Volks School C
Narsha (girl)
Soom Glati
Soom Beyla
Soom Beyla (human head)

4. How long have you been in the BJD hobby?
I discovered Volks in 2003, and bought my first doll in 2005. I joined DOA March 22nd, 2005.

5. Do you RP? If so, who is/was your favorite person to RP with?
I do not RP anymore.

6. Who is/was your favorite character to RP with?
Non applicable.

7. How many dolls have you ever sold?
I have sold, 1 body, and my Sweet Dream Piccolo, whom I reclaimed later.

8. Out of all of those, who do you miss the most?
I missed my Sweet Dream Piccolo, which is why even though I have no idea who he is anymore I won't sell him again.

9. What is your favorite thing in this hobby?
Being able to create any look, for any personality.

10. Who is the first BJD that ever entered your house/that you ever saw in real life?
Ro was the first I saw in person, and the first to enter my house.

11. Who is the first BJD you ever fell in love with?
Volks Shirou Tachibana, but I don't want one anymore, having seen owner pictures.

12. What is the most you've spent on a doll (the actual doll itself)?
Um.. The most I've spent so far is $500 + shipping, for Elli.

13. What is your favorite photoshoot/photo you ever took of any of your dolls?
This very old photo from before I got my second doll. I loved Ro so much like that. I miss him looking like this:

14. What is your funniest memory with any of your dolls?
When who is now Tater, spontaneously unstrung himself, fully clothed, and I had to pull his clothes and wigs off to fish the elastic out.

15. What is your saddest memory with any of your dolls?
When Ro's spark faded completely the first time. He's never been the same.

16. Have you ever had a dream about your doll? If so, what was it about?
Before Ro arrived, I dreamt Dream of Doll sent me a doll made out of sandy resin, falling to pieces. I was so relieved when he DID arrive, perfect.

17. Which BJD out of yours would you never sell in a million years?
Ichgio. I will never sell ANY of my dolls, but if I had no choice but to abandon all but one, I'd take Ichigo.

18. Name one thing that makes you irked in the BJD hobby.
The drama. Like so many others, I just want to play with my dolls. That's it.

19. Would you ever consider "leaving" the hobby?
Meh. I've already cut myself off from most of it. I make my own clothes, I don't go on the forums, I buy directly from the companies.. I only discuss dolls with my friends who also happen to have them.

20. Who is the newest character you've thought up?
My Littlefee Leah who is on layaway. She has no name yet, but I'm feeling out her personality.

Ordered Mom's birthday gift! 8D

2010-04-03T23:34:00.000-04:00

Well as of yesterday, before work, I have ordered my Mom's birthday gift. Most of ya'll who know me, know that I have wanted to buy her a doll since I got my first, Ro almost five years ago. Mom said no birthday gifts this year, but really, I had to. It's not about what I want in return, I just want Mom to love this doll, and I'm happy that I'm in a place I can give her something she wants.

When I inquired last week, I had a doll from a different company in mind, but Mom had one she had been pondering, so I went that route. I've ordered via Denver Doll Emporium on layaway, a Pukifee Ante, with faceup, wig, and an outfit, so she can be played with straight out of the box.

For myself, I knew I wanted a little girl to spoil as my princess. I thought a Littlefee Lishe, but when it came time to actually placing the order, I went with Littlefee Leah. :]

Mom gets her Hutzpah(sp?), and I get my little girly girl to wear the frilly dresses, with all the ribbons and bows and lace, that my current girl dolls (Jessie and Moonbeam) do not.

For the ignorant, here in order are, Pukifee Ante, and Littlefee Leah. :]

I don't know who exactly my little girl is, but I know she needs lots of frilly dresses. @3@

Random Quiz, stolen from LJ flist.

2010-03-31T20:11:00.000-04:00

PSYCHOANALYSE YOURSELF!
Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means. (No cheating!) I waited to read the endings to other people's answers until I'd answered these myself!

1) You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?
If I'm not alone, I'm with Osaka, and probably her son. I'd prefer to be alone though.

2) You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
A doe.

3) What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
It looks in my direction for a moment, our eyes lock, and it dashes away.

4) You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it.
A two story colonial, with southern style porch, including a porch swing, and french doors.

5) Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No.

6) You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on and around it?
The mail from the last few days, some partially assembled crafts, and a couple of occupied doll chairs. There is also a buffet style chest with more doll furniture, in a livingroom/dining room style, with more dolls.

7 You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
An old chipped china cup. It looks like it's been there for decades, the paint worn, cracked, half buried, the grass around it sparsely.

8) What do you do with the cup?
Leave it there. It's part of the general ambience.

9) You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is it?
A lake, with a small stream that leads to a pond which pools near the front of the house.

10) How will you cross the water?
There is a small bridge over the stream, and the lake is clear and clean enough to swim, so if I'm crossing that, I'll swim it.

Here are the answers.

1) The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
So, essentially I'm the most important person in my life. *SELFISH* Osaka and Ringo being second, which makes sense to me. She is my bestfriend after all.

2) The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
Medium sized, but fleeting?

3) The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
So I stare into the eyes of my problems and run away. Yep that's accurate.

4) The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
Largish? Relative to the situation I guess. "Colonial" is kind of vague.

5) A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
Hmmm, there's no fence but my ideal home is FAR into the forest, so .. that's pretty extreme closed-off-ness.

6) If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
Do dolls count as people? D:

7) The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
So, chipped worn china is rather indicative of being single and apprehensive about dating.

8) Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.
I leave things be? Yeah pretty much.

9) The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
So a big freaking lake with a small stream that funnels into a small pond.. Yep. e_e

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.
So... swimming through it. Yep.

I got Heelys! Also.. stuff.

2010-03-22T22:16:00.000-04:00

They are awesome, and I got them for only $20. I had planned to get some heavier duty shoes for work, and Osaka found these at Ross. I've been wanting HEELYS for ...four years now. Like, seriously, since I first moved to Virginia, I've wanted a pair.

I learned pretty quickly that I lack the balance and coordination to use them with the wheels in yet, but I'm hoping that as I continue to lose weight it will become easier. In the meantime the plugs are in the bottoms, and the wheels are set aside. :]

I officially LOVE shopping at Ross. I've always loved a good deal, and $20 for $60-$80 shoes, is a hell of a deal.

In other news, we (The Home Depot) had a store meeting 6am Sunday, and I got put on the spot. It was out profit sharing meeting where they hand out the checks, and apparently corporate gives 20 employees who embody Customer Service to a T, an extra $250. Guess who was one of those twenty.

...I had to stand up with the others and get stared at for a minute as Wayne, our store manager explained what it was, and why we were getting it, and I turned an awful shade of pink.

On the one hand, I'm completely flattered. On the other, it took me entirely by surprise, despite my being made Cashier of the Month for the month of January, and getting two Homer Awards for customer satisfaction. @_@;; So.. hooray! That $250 will be just enough finish paying Osaka back for my Unicorn hoofling, Starshine. :]

Oh and speaking of, I gave him a faceup last week when the weather was good. I'm not entirely pleased about how he turned out, but it turned out that I was spiking a fever when I did him up, so it's no surprise to me, that it's not my best work. It's better than the last faceup I tried on him, and had to wipe before finishing though, so it stays for now.

New shoes! New lunchbox! New stupid!

2010-03-09T01:06:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to do a bit better now in posting more frequently and being much less secretive. Some of you are probably going "You're secretive? REALLY?!" and you're right, I do tend towards over-sharing. At the same time though, I'm neurotic about stuff that really shouldn't be important, and I keep it to myself most of the time, making things MUCH worse.

I've realized well after the fact that I was being straight up psychotic in Texas, to a ridiculous degree all things considered. Did I have a reason to be a bit messed up? Yes. Did I have the right to be secretive and then bitter that no one understood what I was thinking/feeling? No.

So, I am going to attempt to be more open and honest. I already try to be honest but I also leave alot out when speaking to some of my family, in an attempt to keep things comfortable. Instead this creates feelings of mistrust, because it is OBVIOUS that I am NOT saying things, that I feel are important.

This is mostly touching on my last LJ entry, and nothing to do with what I really wanted to post about.

I bought new shoes. Little man has Gymnastics every Monday for now, and as part of the current household routine, his parents and I wander about the shopping center while he's learning to tumble and cartwheel and all that.

Today, I poked into Ross with Christy, and found all kinds of little gems. I ended up buying this lunchbox, for $1, and this pair of shoes, for $20. :D

This was great for me, because these shoes, which I bought back in September '09 bit the bullet a couple of months ago. I wore them hard, every day, to work, everywhere, and they wore out super fast. Luckily I still had a pair of red vans that were relatively still together (and now are beat to hell) that I had been wearing in the meantime. I still need to buy a pair soley for work, cause I don't want these to wear out as fast as the last pair, but I'm pleased none-the-less.

So yep, new shoes, new lunchbox, and I'm going to try to be more open and post more often from here on out. :]

Oh, and I had another stupid, "I've lost weight?" moment today. It was just the right temperature today for one of my thin rainbow hoodies layered with a t-shirt, and when I put one on, I was alarmed at how loose it was. My initial thought was that it had stretched out badly in the wash somehow.. Again. I thought that several months ago about my 'fatty' jeans, rather than the more obvious that perhaps I had begun to lose weight.

So, I continue to be an idiot, and oblivious in that regard. In my defense, I have been puffy lately from being sick, and hormonal crap, so.. I don't LOOK any slimmer in the face. My clothes all hang weird now though. I desperately need to buy a couple three new pairs of jeans.. Next paycheck probably.

Lord Percy the Benevolent and Percival the laptop

2010-03-02T20:51:00.000-05:00

So.. my laptop came, a week ago today. It is everything I had hoped, and aside from minor tantrums on my part, trying to port over Sims 2, save files included, we are getting along quite well.

I've named new green lappy, Percival, and have dubbed my old poor lappy, Old Reliable, because he is STILL plugging along, letting me copy old files, and doing his damnedest to remain useful. *pats Old Reliable reassuringly*

Percival is performing beautifully. Sims 3 is GORGEOUS graphics-wise, and with 4 gigs of ram, Sims 2 loads up like a dream, 4 gigs of custom content not-withstanding.

In other news, I've had the plague for a week and a day or so. It manifests in varying degrees, but mostly it's congestion and draining now. It started as a stomach bug last Monday. It's a headache and congestion today. It was bad enough I had to call out of work on Sunday which pissed me off, cause I hate doing that, and I really need the money that nice full day would have given me.

In slightly related news I got a new stuffed sheepy, whom I named Lord Percy the Benevolent. Osaka and Pherret picked him up for me last Monday, and my computer arrived the next day, and I named it after the sheep. Weird? Perhaps, but it suits me fine. :D

And, since I finally have all my photo software on my computer now, pics of Percival (both the sheep and the lappy).

Jessie is all paid off. :D

2010-02-09T14:06:00.000-05:00

I've had Jessie put together for awhile, but I haven't played with her much as I was paying her off. I made the last payment on her recently, and today I got to really enjoy playing with her and taking photos. I know some of them are similar but I loved these all too much to cut out. e_e;;

Omake with Starshine, my Beyla:

And, this one is my desktop wallpaper now, only cropped slightly for widescreen:

Initially I'd looked at some darker purple eyes, but I'm very pleased at the color these look, especially in photos. They're very vibrant without being too much, in daylight, which is nice. :]

I think I posted a few photos when I finished her scarf, and I fully intended to post photos when she got these eyes, and her boots, but the weather didn't cooperate, and I was working alot, etc. Anyway, I finally did take photos.

She still needs some more things, as she only has the one outfit, but she seems content to wait, which is good, cause I'm still feeling out how to take care of a girl doll. XD

Incedently I continue to be VERY annoyed at how long it takes to upload photos now. Photobucket and Flickr both CRAWL. It took me, I kid you not, 2 1/2 hours to upload these 12 images. That's ridiculous. :[

We built a Snowman!

2010-01-30T18:30:00.000-05:00

I went back outside with Ichigo and Little Man, and together we built a snowman. We named it Bob the Third. :B Ichigo looks pleased, and Little Man and I had a BLAST building that snowman. Some jerk came and knocked it down later, but I'm told that's normal. e_e;

SNOW DAY! YAY!

2010-01-30T12:16:00.000-05:00

It's SNOWING. When I went out, about an hour and a half ago, it was about 6 inches deep. It's still snowing hard too. 8D I'm far more excited by this, than I should be, I suspect. I took a quick pic (2 actually) with little Chris out in the snow, but realized it was too deep for a Yo to play. So I may dig out that MSD winter coat I have, and take Ichigo instead. :D

Pics or it didn't happen you say?

Pictures!

2010-01-27T00:04:00.000-05:00

Because it's been forever and a half since ya'll've seen my ugly mug. :B Incedently, when I went to take the new photo off the camera, I saw that I NEVER PULLED CHRISTMAS PHOTOS OFF. I fail at that. Taking a page from my dear sister Nekokoi's book. :B

Anyhow, I took a pic today when I was feeling feisty. The Domo hat, was my Chistmas gift from baby sis, Moose.

And, this morning I finished up Robbie's faceup. I think he looks like a pretty good self-doll. :3 What do ya'll think?

And pictured with his son, Christopher Owen.

And back around Christmas I took this photo of Doran, that I meant to share, but never did. I love all the sparkles in his eyes. <3

I'm trying to get back into the habit of posting often again. e_e May take me awhile to get properly chatty again, so my apologies in the meantime.

Little Man cracks me up.

2010-01-09T12:29:00.000-05:00

This verbal exchange took place within the last five minutes. I'm still quite amused. Little man is almost 8 years old, so old enough in theory to walk short distances on his own.

Christy: Spawn*!
Little man: ... What?
Christy: Come here!
*little feet come running down the hall*
Christy: Go to China Ocean and get me some soup.
Little man: ... *makes a face like he's gonna pout or cry, but can't decide which*
Christy: ... You can get yourself some noodles or something.
Little man: ... I can't. *starts to walk away*
Christy: Wait a minute! .. Why?
Little man: ... Because... Because I can't go because I'm not in my late teens, so I can't go out by myself.
*Christy and I crack up laughing, and she immediately calls her brother to share this*

*Spawn is what we collectively refer to him by, online for his safety. :]

About five minutes later:

Christy: Have you gone to China Ocean yet?
Little man: No.
Christy: Why not?
Little man: Because I told you, I'm too young.

This has continued yet. XD I love these guys.

Oho?

2010-01-05T23:53:00.000-05:00

Why hello there internet! Surprise connection when I booted up my computer after work this afternoon. I was planning to Sim maybe, listen to some music, and on a whim checked my internet connection. BOOM. Internet. No guarentee it'll be here tomorrow but I've had fun with it this evening. I Facebooked, Ravelry-ed, checked e-mails, posted on DOA, and... that's it? OH oh, also read back dated posts on LJ.

I haven't REALLY been online since before Halloween. I think that's when the signal I was leaching off of moved away, or re-named or secured their network. Either way I was abruptly cut off from the internet. XD

In the last two months, I've been working at the Home Depot, settling in comfortably. Also, started paying brotherman back for my Narsha, Jessie. My Unicorn baby arrived as well. Bestfriend dear, Christy, ordered him for me because I was without work, and I'll be paying her back shortly. :] Pics will be forthcoming. Possibly tomorrow.

Also have Robbie (my School C head, who used to be Onigiri) on a temp body at the moment. Christy got a Leeke Richard for Christmas from her brother, and the body ended up small, scalewise, and the wrong color for her existing heads. So since she has no compatible head at the moment, she is kindly letting me have Robbie on there for now. :] I'm currently trying to set aside a little at a time for his SD10 body, while saving for Dolpa, and paying down on Jessie and Unicorn babies (the human head is a seperate entity). XD;; It's slow going, but it's going.

I've not commented much on backdated entries, but I think I'm fairly up-to-date on news, but feel free to fill me in if it's pre-Christmas news.

I got nice swag from Santa, my younger sisters, and Christy, and I took photos! But.. they're still on my camera. XD Maybe I'll do a late post tomorrow after taking new Soom baby photos. ;3

I missed you LJ! I'll try to be on more often, even if this internet fades away like before.

Our downstairs neighbors suck. Seriously. Expletives deleted.

2009-12-20T23:11:00.000-05:00

So anyone who watches Osaka's LJ, is probably familiar with the fact that they've been mostly harmless, but obnoxious with music since they first moved in.

When I came back to Virginia, and they continued their loud music at night, (till LATE at night and not just on weekends), into the school year, I had a polite word with them. Explained that the music was loud enough to rattle our walls (directly upstairs) and even knock things off of walls, and if they could please keep the music down, or at least turn down the bass we'd appreciate it.

Their behavior last night spurred me to write this (in my head at 3:30am). I'm not sending it to them, just needed to vent.

Dearest downstairs neighbors,

I get that this is probably the first time in your life, that you have your own place, and that means you aren't necessarily familiar with apartment etiquette.

Let me clue you in. First, if a neighbor kindly alerts you to the fact that your music is loud enough to shake the walls, vibrate the floors, incite migraines, etc, common courtesy is to turn said music down. If said neighbor specifically mentions that the booming bass is the problem, tweak your settings or invest in good headphones.

If the above neighbor needs to knock on your door regarding this more than once a week, or there is a definitive pattern, you may need to re-think your living situation.

You see, there are laws about noise violations. On schoolnights, or weeknights, in most places, it's 10pm or later. On weekends, it's midnight, I believe.

If said cranky (and increasingly so) but polite neighbor mentions they have to go to work in 5 hours, turning your music BACK UP in 3 hours after their Nyquil wears off, is not the correct response. It was 3:30am, and I was woken from a dead sleep.

It's too cold to throw on clothes and storm downstairs and your music is too loud to ignore. So I did the less polite stomping on my floor-your ceiling. You turned the music UP. I did it again with more authority, bruising my left heel in the process. You finally turned it off.

SCREW YOU. Your passive aggressive game makes me very angry, and I know I'm not the only one who has complained to you, and to the office. I can't be. You have other neighbors with school aged children, some of whom also work early on the weekends.

This is not appropriate social behavior, and especially inappropriate for apartment life. I hope you're evicted.

~Sincerely upstairs *neighbor.

*The short fat one, who always looks angry, cause she has to come pound on your door at 3am to get you to turn your damned music down. AGAIN.

So all said and done, the downstairs neighbors are young men in their early twenties, probably navy boys who play bass heavy music WAY too loud at all hours of the day and night. We mostly ignore it during the day unless we have migraines already. But at night? Osaka's boy has school, and I have work. Seriously not cool.

Is.. is it really over? o_o

2009-12-04T01:19:00.001-05:00

Well today has been interesting. This morning Christy told me she needed to get out of the house, so I got up and came out with her.

We poked about a little, looking at cats at Petsmart, and then looking around A C Moore (local craft store). I had a weird, mild allergy fit in there, and when I went to the restroom to wash my hands and face, Rissa called, and at the same time I got a text message.

The text said "Just wanted to let you know that nick got the divorce finalized for you guys! You're officially divorced now..." and it was from a local number I didn't recognize.

I sent back "Who is this?" Received, "Ti Chan" Sent back "How was he able to do that? I've been waiting to hear back from his lawyer."

She sent back "They went in front of court. It was a default divorce because theyve been trying to serve you since before they left."

I sent back "Will they send me papers? I contacted the lawyers when I received ve-" and then got sick of trying to text back and forth and called.

It was indeed Brittany. I clarified that I'd been waiting to hear back from his laywer, and she told me that his lawyer was kind of a bum who didn't contact people back. I'd suspected that the Navy had finally tracked Nick down or something, which is not the case.

So I am (allegedly) divorced now, and he took responsiblity for the debts accrued during the marriage, which makes things a little bit easier for me.

I'm skeptical yet, but I don't think she'd necessarily text me out of the blue like that if there wasn't SOMETHING up. I've not been in contact with her or Nick since July when he last texted me that there would be no money becuase he fled the Navy.

I never told anyone except for Christy, because it was so weird and surreal. He up and went AWOL on June 14th, 4 days before I came back to Virginia. AWOL of course meaning "Absent without Leave" and being quite literal in this case. The three of them up and moved one day, sneaking out on rent etc, and going to live with Nick's family in McAllen.

On top of all that excitement, Rissa is having to deal with something weird and awful, that is not mine to share, but she's been having a hard time of it. So, it's been a WEIRD past few days. e_e;;

Elli Photos

2009-11-01T16:27:00.002-05:00

So because I've been working on Elli's lifestory, I decided to take some photos of his doll form. I took a bunch outside cause it's a nice cold grey day, and also raining which sets the mood very well. So, here are the ones I liked best.

Also, un-related to photos or writing or anything of that sort, I've been uncharacteristically impatient today. I'm trying not to be cranky cause I really don't have any good reason to be, but I'm finding myself getting annoyed about stuff that shouldn't bother me.

Like when someone knocked at the door, while Christy was trying to take a nap, and the dog got riled up and barking like crazy, and the kid was skitzy cause it startled him, etc. I was really very annoyed at the people on the other side of the door, even though there was no way they could have known how inconvenient surprise visits are. I'm trying to keep things quiet and peaceful and it gets very loud very suddenly, and takes me quite a bit to get the kid and the dog settled down again. }:[